I spent much of the weekend in a major, full sized temper tantrum. The combination of total exhaustion (from the fair, which I will tell about later) and unhappiness propelled me towards my bed, where I spent most of Friday afternoon and all of Saturday.
After I had sorted through my feelings I told Russ why I was so upset. ("Told" is such a calm word, really. What happened was much more like ranting and raving combined with a whole lot of crying. Yes, he is a saint.) All of my feelings and sadness and worry came spilling out.
But then something strange happened.
Right in the middle of my total temper tantrum, while I was still wiping tears from my red eyes and blowing my stuffy nose, I had a moment of clarity.
I suddenly remembered that for the last month or two I have been praying — fervently and earnestly praying — for a better understanding of a gospel principle that I am realizing that I understand in my mind but not in my heart. I have had some trepidation as I have prayed for this understanding — I am quite aware that learning is not always comfortable. But I can also see what a difference this change would make in my life.
As I sat there on Saturday, wiping and blowing and crying, I could suddenly see that this situation in my life that makes me so sad also creates what could be the perfect space for Heavenly Father to help me learn what he wants me to know.
I was startled.
These thoughts stayed in the back of my mind for the rest of the day, as I slept and laid on my bed and watched the rain and slept some more. Could it really be that Heavenly Father was actively working towards what I have been pleading for him to show me? Is it possible that this unhappiness in my life is not just a random juxtaposition of events, but instead a carefully crafted classroom?
By the time night came, I had decided that I was going to give it a chance. Instead of scurrying around and figuring out how to "fix" my little sadness with chocolate and other natural woman solutions, I am going to do my best to wait on the Lord. I am going to keep praying for understanding and trust that he can manage this situation better than I can. I am going to trust that he cares about the sorrow in my heart and that he will not only teach me but lead me to something better in the end.
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A big thanks to Russ & my awesome kids for taking care of things so that I could check out for a while. Yes, I know that I am really blessed.
And to my sweet little girls, who left me this note:
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I'm going to bookmark this and your last post too. I especially like the image of a carefully crafted classroom. That would make a great painting- don't you think? Anyway, I needed to hear it- so thank you!
ReplyDeleteMost teachers have their teachers look a little different, and go out of the way not to have bawling students, but most teachers aren't trying to teach such big things, and are trying to teach the head. Not the Heart.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet love note! Best Wishes as you work through your learning experience. Being remodeled {a la C.S. Lewis} is never painless nor easy, is it?!
ReplyDeleteKatie--what a lovely mental image. Too bad the lovely mental image and the physical reality don't feel quite the same!
ReplyDeleteMarg--the heart does seem to learn much slower, doesn't it.
Megan--exactly. In fact, it made me think about Lewis' quote about being afraid of the dentist. (Which I am anyway!)