When I was on the hcg diet 2 years ago (was it only 2 years ago? cause it feels like 2 lifetimes ago…) one of my friends expressed a little envy about the weight I had lost and then said that she just knew she wasn’t in a place to be able to do it herself.
I (not the brightest bulb in the bush sometimes) didn’t get it. Sure, she should be able to do the hcg diet. It was hard, but not that hard, anyone could do it.
Fast forward to last January when I stepped on the scale, the celebrations of Christmas and New Years (and Cindy Lynn’s yearly pan of divine home-made caramel) behind me and the three month separation from Russ in front of me. My weight was up and I knew that I was not, nor was I going to be anytime soon, in a place to do anything about it, and that it was probably going to get worse before it started getting better.
I realized that I had two options. That I hate myself for gaining weight, or I could accept it and try to have some compassion for me in the midst of what was clearly going to be a stressful year. I’m glad that most of the time I’ve been able to choose compassion, because now I totally understand what my friend was saying. And I appreciate her example to me, that she understood herself clearly enough and loved herself enough to say that it wasn’t the right time for her to try to diet.
I had another moment like that two weeks ago. It was pms week and I knew that was part of the reason for the way I felt, but I finally realized that the amount of overwhelment (is that a word?) I felt was more than I could cope with, and the amount of anger I was feeling wasn’t normal. And so I made a trip that very day to Costco to buy a super-sized box of my favorite natural anti-depressant, hoping that a little bit of chemical assistance would help me cope better with this moment in my life.
It’s probably obvious that I’ve been thinking more lately about the messages that I’m sending to my kids when they read these blog posts in the future. And the thought that has been in my mind for the last month is how important it is to “know thyself.” To know that while there will be times when it is ok to push like crazy and do the hard diet and lose the weight, that there will be other times when life is just too hard for that and it will be important to love yourself anyway. And to know that there will be times when you might just need more help than you can pull from inside of yourself, and that’s ok too…