This morning I woke up and laid there on the air mattress in Cindy Lynn’s office, wondering if I could get back to sleep. Within a few minutes I could tell that my brain, while still sleepy, was revving up instead of quieting down. I started thinking about the things I needed to do to be ready to fly back to Oregon at lunch time…the things I needed to remember to gather from Cindy Lynn’s house. At some point during my mental list making a thought edged it’s way into my consciousness, sliding in sideways so that it was there for me to see before I was even aware of it.
One year ago yesterday we left Durham. One year ago I loaded up the car, hugged Alisyn goodbye and drove away. Drove away from the place I’d lived the longest and people I’d loved so much, drove away from my warm ocean, (drove towards the worlds greatest vacation,) drove towards a new life that I was not very happy about.
Has it been a whole year? Some moments I wonder how can it have been that long? Some moments it feels like a lifetime already.
Having experienced great loss before I knew in my mind (though perhaps not my heart) that time does, to some degree, heal all wounds. Thankfully time is healing this one as well. There are still moments of deep sadness, still heartbreak over things that happened or didn’t happen or will never again happen. And I have suspicion that every winter I will miss that blue Carolina sky. But there are also moments of peace, moments of enjoyment, moments of coming-to-terms-with-my-house, and lots of happiness.
If I could go back in time I’d tell that year ago me, “It’s gonna hurt like hell. But you will survive, and one day you’ll even be happy again. But you will never, ever, ever forget North Carolina.”
[Crying at table in the Salt Lake airport while waiting for my flight & writing this. Perhaps not my finest moment??]