Sunday, September 14, 2008

I Don't ♥ Mammograms

It's here at last. The moment I have tried & tried to put off. The dreaded mammogram. Tomorrow. At 10:30. I wonder if it would be a bad idea to take one of those leftover pain pills in the cabinet from Jason's oral surgery...I am so tempted.

I've really liked being 40+ so far. But this part? This is no fun.

For those of you who are worried that you won't be prepared when your turn rolls around for a mammogram, here are some simple exercises you can do. The best part is that they can be done in the (relative) privacy of your own home.

Exercise 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat the exercise for the other breast.

Exercise 2:

Visit your garage at approximately 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Remove your clothes from the waist up and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of a car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn and repeat exercise for the other breast.

Exercise 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as possible. Repeat exercise for the other breast.

You are now properly prepared for your mammogram.


Wish me luck tomorrow....

8 comments:

  1. I don't think that Emla would do anything for that. Sorry.

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  2. You know,they should combine the dentist & the mammogram. So that you have both procedures done, but the laughing gas means you don't care about either. Now there's a thought!

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  3. I know I shouldn't be, but I laughed the whole way through this post.

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  4. Cindy, how exactly do you get a mamagram if you really have no breasts? Maybe in the next 10 years I will either grow some, or figure out how you accomplish the task without!

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  5. Sean, I'm glad that you had a good laugh. My husband assures me that men have much more humiliating medical procedures, but I have to say a mammogram is right up there.

    Laila, I hear it's much more painful in that situation. So sorry dear!

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  6. yeah, the whole cotton stick down the urethra during STD tests is pretty painful.

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  7. Thank you so much for that. Yet another wonderful part of being a woman. Why can put people on the moon and not figure out a more humane screening tool??

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