Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Morning Breath


When Russ got braces 32 years ago he was told that he had to wear his retainer for a year or two.

When I got my braces 2.5 years ago I heard a different story. I was told that I would have to wear my retainers day and night for 6-12 months, and then at night for the rest of my life.

Somewhere in the intervening years they had figured out that people's teeth keep changing throughout their lives, even if they've been through the orthodontic process. Nighttime retainer wear is their solution.

Sure, I thought. No problem. Remember, I had waited 30+ years longer than most orthodontic patients to have straight teeth. I was constantly self-conscious about my very crooked front teeth and I was ready to promise almost anything—including a small fortune, 2.5 years of pain and inconvenience, and a lifetime of nighttime retainer wear — to have straight teeth.

And I sure do love having straight teeth.

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Russ and I got married in the Atlanta Temple in April 1987. (Yes, Amy, I know you were still in elementary school then!) His oldest sister, in an act of kindness that I didn't fully appreciate at the time, let us borrow her brand new car for the drive from BYU to the east coast and back. Stuck in one of the pockets of the car were several cassette tapes of an artist I wasn't familiar with: Ray Stevens.

By the end of the 4100+ drive Russ & I committed many classic Ray Stevens lyrics to memory. To this day we still quote lines from the Haircut Song when it's time for a haircut.

One of my favorite song titles had to be Take Your Tongue Out of My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye, with it's classic line, "Take your tongue out of my mouth, there's no telling where it's been!"

I think of this song now every morning without fail when I wake up. How was I to know that wearing retainers every night was going to mean that my mouth would taste like I'd been licking a garbage can the entire night? Or that it would be even worse when I took the retainers out??

Nasty!

I'm still glad I got braces. I really really really like having straight teeth. But do me and you both a favor; if you happen to be around me in the morning when I've just woken up, give me some space until I deal with the retainers!



9 comments:

  1. Every now and then I get motivated to start wearing my retainer at night again. But boy is it painful! Now that my teeth have shifted somewhat, my retainer doesn't slide in as easily as it once did! I agree though, wearing a retainer at night and removing it in the morning is NOT fun!
    PS--I was a happy first grader in 1987! :)

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  2. By the way, the picture of all those retainers makes me want to gag a little. Please tell me you found it online. Could one person possibly have all those retainers in one house?!

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  3. Another thing to add, my retainer is dark blue with a moon and sparkles (which are meant to be stars).

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  4. I remember digging through the garbage behind my elementary school cafeteria (probably right around 1987, if I'm not mistaken) to retrieve the retainers I had so thoughtlessly thrown away with the detritus of my lunch. This happened so many times that eventually my mom stopped helping me dig. She just sat in the car and read a book while I riffled through ketchup and mustard-stained napkins and half-eaten hotdogs. I remember it was a good day when I had thrown away the retainer in its case.

    My favorite Ray Stevens is the one about Vacation Bible School. And, of course, the camping song. So funny.

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  5. Just throwing this out there - I was one month old when you got married :)

    I don't wear my retainer nearly as much as I was told to because when I was pregnant it grossed me out alot so I got out of the habit. Been a hard habit to recover.

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  6. Amy--I just want you to know I wasn't making fun of your age. Amy Whitlock always has some smart comment about how old I am when I talk about when I got married! But wow--1st grade?? I did find the retainer picture online, although when we were in the Keys (and Josh & Elise forgot their retainers and we had to have them mailed down there!) we counted up the number of retainers in the house and it was something like 13! Oh, and mine is also dark blue with sparkles, but no moon.

    InkMom, you've described the reason that I refuse to wrap mine in a napkin! Jason lost his right when he first got it and we were going on vacation to Utah for several weeks, and his teeth have never been the same.

    Maria, yes I know my brother married a baby. ;) And I hadn't thought about pregnancy with a retainer. YUCK! Good think I'm done being pregnant...

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  7. LOL! You know me so well! What's the deal with all the retainers? Do you have one for each night? And is it really necessary to have designs? I mean who sees them, except, well us of course since there is a picture?

    That song sounds hilarious. It sounds like a song that should be put to some pictures into some sort of slide show or something. Maybe the next ward slide show?!? LOL

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  8. Sorry that last comment was me, not Nate and it was before I read the other comments, so now the plethora of retainers is explained. But what about that slide show?

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  9. Amy--you're exactly right. I can see that "Take Your Tongue Out of My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye" would be a hit at the next ward activity! ;)

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