Friday, September 20, 2013

Approaching Autumn


Every year it is the same.  I see early signs of fall around me and I pointedly ignore them, pretending that without my acknowledgement the seasonal change stalls and awaits my approval.  And then one day, (this day) I am faced with the incontrovertible proof.  With or without me, it will happen.  Is already happening, in fact.  And I wonder again why it is that I am so resistant to change, why I am so reluctant to say goodbye to the summer for what lies ahead.  I’ve known for a long time that I was not good at transitions, but I am only coming to realize in the last year how truly terrible I am at change of any kind.  I hold on to the moment that is with defiant tight-fistedness, certain that what lies ahead will never be as wonderful as what has just been.  

Today I left for an appointment with the chiropractor while the sun was out.  When I came out of his office the sky was gray with heavy clouds.  In the grocery store parking lot I noticed that in the last week many of the leaves have fallen from the trees.  By the time I got home it had begun to rain, drops hitting my nose as I carried in my bags of groceries.  The ten day weather forecast makes me wonder if the blue skies are done for the year.

This seasonal change holds even more worry for me than normal, now that I have experienced (and been depressed by) a long gray Oregon winter.  I am afraid of how it will feel and how I will handle it.  So I am starting a list, a list of the things that I can look forward to this winter.  Things like really good dark hot chocolate with just a dollop of cream in it, a crackling fire in our family room fireplace, and a nice hot bath with my new bath pillow.  I’m hoping that if I put more time into thinking about the things I can look forward to rather than looking back at the things I hate letting go of, I might do a little better with this transition.  Who know—maybe one day I’ll even be one of those people who sees the signs of fall with excitement.  Or even acceptance.  I can always hope…


  1. The weather in our area has left me feeling so funny. Last fall I was convinced that it would never be very hot, and never very cold, so therefore fall meant nothing. And, heartbreakingly, there were almost no changing leaves, and no blossoms in spring! Then when summer came around again, I realized that there had been a winter, just a more subtle one. I'm trying to pay closer attention now, but the temps vary SO much day by day and even within a day (always cold in the morning, usually warm in afternoon), that my body just feels all confused! Funny how getting used to new weather takes a while...

  2. Don't forget to add 'Visit Miami' to your list of things to look forward to. :)

    Brian and I have an interview in Vegas coming up in a week and a half and I've been so anxious about it (seriously... to the point of losing sleep AND appetite - I even went to Burger King today in my search of finding something that 'tasted good' and my Whopper let me down, and I couldn't even finish the fries...weird, weird, weird for me). And it's because I'm just so darn worried about being able to love living in the desert. AND, I don't even know if anything will come of this interview anyway!

    I just so want to love where I live... but I'm realizing that, more importantly, you have to go where the job is. I may really have to have several heart to heart talks with you so you can teach me what you've learned on how to be happy when your location isn't what you wish for!