Thursday, September 27, 2012

Living on the corner of Bitter and Sweet

A few weeks ago my Goodreads update contained the information that one of my friends was reading the book “The House on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet.”

I have no idea what the books is about, though I’m told it’s good.  I can’t even remember which friend was reading it.  What I do remember, though, is the feeling that went through me at that moment.

That is where I’m living right now, I thought.  On the corner of bitter and sweet…

There is so much about Oregon that we love.  I find I don’t miss being sweaty every moment I’m outside very much at all.  I love Russ’s super-short commute.  I love the kids being able to go to the elementary school for 30 minutes every day if that’s what we want.  I love that Josh can walk or ride his bike to school.  I love the amazing produce that’s available so easily.  I love that we can drive an hour in one direction and hike in beautiful mountains around incredible waterfalls, and that we can drive 80 minutes in the other direction and be at the coast.  There are moments when life is sweet, indeed.

We started moving into our house this week.  I’m afraid of living in a three bedroom house.  I miss being around people who really know me.  I miss crepe myrtles in bloom and I already know I’m going to miss them like crazy when the leaves have all turned colors.  I miss my wonderful calling and the women I got to associate with.  I miss having friends who can come over on the spur of the moment for dinner and games; I miss the perfect comfort of those friendships.  I am afraid of the long gray wet winter.  I am afraid that my friends will stop needing me.  I am afraid I will never stop needing them.  There are moments when life is oh, so bitter.

 

Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised at these conflicting feelings—bipolar seems to have been a major theme of my year.  I was talking to Russ’s dad a couple of weeks ago and he made a comment that made me take a look at my internal calendar.  What I saw there shocked me.  In 4 weeks, it will have been a year since Russ was laid off.  Since my comfortable life was turned upside down.  I could be Pollyana-ish and talk about how much we’ve learned and grown, how glad I am this happened, whatever.  I won’t, at least not yet.  It’s still all too fresh and the grief still too frequent.  So I guess, at least for now, I’m stuck in this place at the corner of bitter and sweet.  Maybe one day I’ll get to  the corner of bittersweet and sweet.  But today is not that day…

2 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about being afraid of not having the comfort of those kinds of friendships. Those are the kinds of friendships I've really missed in the last few years... I had finally built some up right when we left Rexburg, but then we left, of course! Hopefully we'll be here long enough to make some more....

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  2. This was so well-put. It's funny how worried I still am about the friendship thing, even though it was shocking to me how quickly I developed close friendships in Atlanta. Still, it seems so far away now...

    P.S.- I'm writing this from Yosemite...you are going to want to come down here!

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