House Hunting Nightmares

Russ and I have spent almost 15 hours in the last two days looking at houses in and around Hillsboro, the town where Intel is located.  We have seen some homes we could probably afford, and we have seen some homes we could live in.  And sometimes, we’ve even seen a home that fits both of those categories.

Which is a relief.  Because there have been some homes we could afford that we NEVER could live in.  And I’m going to write about them, so that in the years to come if I feel any unhappiness with wherever we end up living, I can remember all of the places we could have lived.

[I considered titling this post “Now I’m the Picky One.”  Many many years ago my in-laws were moving back to Utah.  We were visiting from Idaho, where we lived in a humble ranch house that we’d bought for $40,000.  I knew that my in-laws were looking at houses that cost many times that much, and I just couldn’t understand why my mother in law was so picky.  One house had counters she didn’t like.  Another had a yard that just wasn’t what she wanted.  On, and on, and on, and I didn’t get it.  Why was she so picky?  So here I am,  many years later, and guess what—I’m a lot pickier than I used to be.  And grateful that I can be, as you will soon understand…]

I wish I had any pictures of what I’m about to describe.  I should have gone right out to the car and gotten the purse cam the first time I saw something crazy.  But I didn’t, and I will regret it forever.  Or be glad forever that I don’t have pictures to prolong the mental torture…

 

We learned the first day that we simply can’t afford to look in a town a little closer to Portland.  And that if we could afford to look at a house there, we weren’t willing to live in it.

The first house was really cool looking.  It was built in the 70’s, and the pictures online showed lots of big windows.  I really, really, really wanted to love it.  We walked in the door and I immediately had my doubts.  The staircase looked like something out of the Brady Bunch.  That wasn’t necessarily a problem—I can be ok with a Brady Bunch staircase, but not this one.  We weren’t sure why, but all along the edge of the floor that we could see through the stair railings, something was wrong.  We could see subfloor, a big gap, and then raw wood.  I know that’s not a good description—sorry!  We later (in another nightmare house) realized that originally the floor had been carpeted and the carpeting was wrapped around the edge of the floor onto the very top of the stair wall.  As we went up the stairs we could see that the carpet had been removed and replaced with laminate flooring, leaving the unfinished edges exposed.  The laminate was also crazy…different kinds of laminate flooring.  Different colors of wood.  Most of it not finished…with big gaps of subfloor showing all around the edges.  Someone had also tried to tile the kitchen counters with black granite tiles, which were uneven and also unfinished.  It was crazy.

The next house was also in the area we couldn’t afford.  Also built in the 70’s, it had miniscule kitchen, even a tinier master bath, and a metal spiral staircase in the middle of the living room.  I’m sure the kids would have loved it…but we passed.

Today we saw a few more.  Another one with the Brady Bunch stair railings, complete with really hammered crimson carpet wrapped around the edges.  The crimson carpeting went up the stairs, up and down the hall, and into the master bedroom.  It was a sight to behold.  Downstairs the homeowner had put down laminate.  (It’s been a really bad week for laminate!)  The color was fine, and this laminate went all the way to the edges.  But for some reason it was bubbled up everywhere.  There were little hills of laminate flooring all over the family room and kitchen, the biggest probably 6 feet long, 2 feet wide, and at least 6 inches high.  Stepping on these areas was a little like walking on a mattress...very mushy.

I’ve saved the best for last.  The house had a LOT of square feet and a decent sized yard, something that you don’t see a lot in our price range in Hillsboro.  And, AND, AND, it was “indoor pool ready.”

What on earth does “indoor pool ready” actually mean???

Well now I can tell you.

This house was born a basic seventies split level.  (Are you sensing a 70’s theme here?  It is unfortunate, and I don’t mean to slander all houses built in this decade.  But still…)  At some point someone built a BIG addition onto the house, turning the basic rectangle into more of an L shaped house.  We walked through a hallway in the back of the house and saw two added bedrooms.  Then past the bedrooms was a really really big family room—probably 25’x25’ at least.  Then we went downstairs looking for the rest of the addition.  We passed the garage, went down a hallway, and there it was.  I have never seen anything so bizarre in my life. We walked into a huge cavernous area.  The area we were standing on was carpeted in blue & green shag carpeting.  Then there was a wood ladder going down about 8 feet to a concrete floor.  In the middle of the floor there was a pool table, and the walls were also covered in the same blue & green shag carpeting.  It was so strange it was creepy.  It was a little like the Biltmore house indoor pool, just the budget version with shag carpet.

Now you may think this was all as much oddness as any one house could hold.  Well…you would be wrong.  The carpet that met our eyes when we walked in the front door (and went throughout the house) was a black & grey leopard print.  I am totally serious.  And the hallway walls were sponge painted a kind of animal combination of colors.  Walking down the hallway was a seriously psychedelic experience!

We also passed on a chance to buy a house built in the 50’s that (along with a nicely remodeled kitchen) included a sun porch with a very nice hot tub inside it…

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed your scenic tour of some of the stranger homes available in the Hillsboro area.  Here’s hoping that Saturday’s houses are more normal.  And that if they’re not, I have the purse cam with me!