Sunday, October 2, 2011

Prone to Wander

I have often been frustrated with myself that I’m not steadier spiritually.  Why must I live in fits and spurts, having wonderful scripture study for a few months and then completely forgetting for the next few months, good prayers sometimes but not others, feeling the spirit in some meetings but not all?  Why do I feel close to the spirit sometimes and other times almost spiritually numb? 

When I was getting my root canal they gave me noise cancelling headphones to use with my mp3 player.  I lay there in the chair and listened to the same three songs over and over…they brought me such comfort that it seemed a shame to listen to anything else.  The first was a song called “Alleluia” from the Men of the Tabernacle Choir cd.  I dare anyone to listen to that, even while getting a (well anesthetized) root canal, and not feel peace and comfort.  I recommend you listen about 5 times a row to get the full effect.  Or perhaps 8.

The second song in my three song rotation was “Come Thou Font,” an acoustic guitar version with a male vocalist.  I love this song and I love the words, and listening to it also soothed my soul.  As I lay there, singing along in my mind, these words pierced my heart,

Prone to wander,
Lord I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love…

I’ve always felt bad for the poor suffering souls this song is about.  Sorry for the people in this world that are prone to wander.  I’ve never even considered myself as a wanderer—I, after all, have a lifetime church habit.  I do the things I’m supposed to—temple, visiting teaching, personal prayer, family home evening.  But in that moment I saw the truth; my truth. 

My heart does wander.  Quite regularly.  For whatever reason I haven’t yet figured out (and maybe it’s just that I haven’t managed to overcome the natural man yet) I can’t keep heart and soul on the fixed course that I know I want to be on.

 

Then I had another realization. 

 

I loved Education Week this year.  (LOVED it.)  I have enjoyed listening to talks (general conference, Sheri Dew, women’s conference, etc) as I’ve driven back and forth alone to different church meetings this year.  I love good conversations about the gospel.  I love reading inspiring things, things that make me want to feel the spirit more in my life, and things that teach me how to accomplish that.

I realized that all of these things I do, I do because they have the effect of putting me in a place where the spirit can touch me and I can feel it in my heart.  All of these things help to rescue me when I’m feeling a little spiritually deadened, help me feel the spirit alive and working in my life again.

Here’s my heart,
O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

As those words resonated in my ears I wished that the process could be that easy; that there was a way to seal my heart to God, to achieve and keep a mighty change of heart.

But in the meantime, until I get to a place where I figure out how to do that, I will keep putting myself in places where I can feel the spirit.  And maybe, one day, I will not be

prone to wander…

3 comments:

  1. I can hardly get through that song without crying...it gets me every time. 'Cause I'm singing about me, I guess! :) It's funny you posted about this today...I was thinking during conference about how it's now my absolute favorite time of year...like I'm dying of thirst and I know there's a wonderful drink there to quench my thirst (which there is!)!

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  2. I love those lines from that song, too. Over all it is one of my favorite songs. I wish we still sang it in church.
    Just think all year long we've given talks about how sometime the one that is lost is you or me. This song and post kind of summarizes those thoughts... of the small wanderings and the joy of feeling the love of God.
    As I sat down to read your blog, I thought how much I was missing the 4 of us being together! I am relieved WD is over, but I miss being all together.
    See you Saturday!

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  3. So glad I stayed signed in as MOM!

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