Books that changed my life

I’ve been a reader for as long as I can remember and I’ve read far more books than I ever could remember.  As an adult, though, I’ve read a few books that have stuck out in my mind because they changed me in significant ways.  I thought I’d write a bit about them.  [I am deliberately not including the scriptures, though they have and do change me regularly.]

The Divine Center by Steven Covey –I read this book during the time we lived in Pocatello, probably when I was about 24 or 25.  The concept that we can only successfully center our lives on Christ is still something I think about regularly.  The really important thing for me in this book though was his writing about scripture study. The things he said changed the way I thought about scripture study forever.

Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson—I can still remember the issue of the Ensign that had the article by him that later became his book.  The idea that it was not enough to believe in Christ, but that we must also believe Him, that he can and will save us, was amazing to me.  I of course had never thought of Christ in this way, and it was the beginning of a new understanding of and appreciation for grace and the atonement.  I read this in the first couple of years that we lived in North Carolina, so I was probably 27 or so.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman—One of my friend told me one day about a class her sister had taught in Relief Society about a new book.  As my friend described these different “love languages” everything she said made so much sense to me.  I read the book as quickly as I could get it and felt like it helped me understand myself and my family so much better.  I think I was 28 or 29 at this point.

Leadership and Self-Deception and The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Foundation—One year I was in Utah and my sister offered to loan me Leadership and Self Deception.  I was so impressed that I bought The Anatomy of Peace as soon as it was published.  These books helped me see myself and my relationships to other people in such a different way.  I am often not successful in living the principles in these books, but it sure is a noble goal to be working towards.  I think I read these books when I was about 37 and 42.

Real Love by Greg Baer—I blogged here about my experiences with Real Love.  I still try to live by these principles and they have made such a difference in my life.  I’m far from perfect at loving unconditionally, but in the places where I have really made a big effort in my life I have seen wonderful results.  I think I was between 38 and 40 when I first was introduced to Real Love.

2013 in Books

I saw a link to an article a week or two ago that indicated that 25% of adults didn’t read even one book in 2013.  It made me curious to know my reading stats since I started keeping track of my reading on goodreads more than a year ago.  Here are some of my stats.

The longest book I read was Pres. Monson’s biography, which was 588 pages.  I loved 12 of the 71 books I read and only disliked one.  I read 21,297 pages.  21,297!!  How amazing is that!

My kind of books

Through the years I have often jotted down a quote or two from books I have read, but a while ago I decided that I wanted to work harder at doing this.  I started putting little slips of paper in books as I read them to mark things I really liked, then going back afterwards and typing up these bits and keeping them in one place.  Recently though I read two books that have challenged my system.

 

When Cindy Lynn told me to read the first one, saying that she thought I would like it, I didn’t realize that it would be a book that would feel like it was pretty much written about my own life.  I just finished reading the author’s second book and it seems like a forecast of my next decade, again filled with beautiful thoughts and ideas. 

Here’s the problem, though.

I mean really—that’s just way too much to type out!  Maybe there really are some books that are meant to be owned…

And while I’m talking about books that are really meant for me, I picked this up for the library on a whim the other day. 

Within just a few pages I had an epiphany—“I AM a minimalist parent!”  I’m not weird!  (Well I am, but for other reasons.)  I’m not just a spoilsport.  I’m not unconcerned about my kids’ lives.  I’m just a minimalist.  And there are other people out there like me.  What a relief…

Book Binge

I’ve been taking a lot of hot baths at night lately, trying to soak away some of the pain and discomfort caused by falling while hiking a couple of weeks ago and getting a concussion and breaking a rib.  (Full story to come later.  I promise.)  For me reading in the bathtub is a given, but one of the side effects of the concussion is that I am physically more tired and cognitively tired as well.  This means that the non-fiction I read more often has a tendency to shut my brain down pretty quickly, so I’ve looked for other things to read in the tub.  You know, books like Edenbrooke, and The House at Rose Creek, and Wednesdays in the Tower, and the first two Hunger Games books because my kids were reading them last week, and a Gail Carson Levine book just because Jenna was reading it.

When I stopped to record all of this bath-time reading on Goodreads it made me laugh.  I’d blown through a lot of books in just a little more than a week, justifying my reading time as being good for my sore muscles.  In retrospect I think it’s been a total binge.  (Binge: a short period devoted to indulging in an activity to excess.)  It’s been escape for my tired and overwhelmed brain, escape for my sore back and neck, and it’s been delightful.  And do you know what…I think it’s bath time again!

oBoB (Oregon Battle of Books)

The kids came home from school one morning all excited, telling me that they had joined teams and were going to be participating in the Battle of the Books.  I’m all for anything that encourages reading, and especially anything that gets them out of their normal reading ruts (I’ve been known to suggest, strong-arm, and even pay!) so I was all for it.

As the books started coming in from our local library I got curious about what they were reading and decided that I would read as many as I could.  Originally they were all supposed to read 8 books each, but Jenna is adamant that she wants to read them all now, and I think Rachel might too.  The girls are already saying that next year when they make a Battle of the Books team they want to be sure to choose other teammates who love reading, rather than choosing friends who turn out not to like reading.  Whatever happens in the contest and next year, we’re having a great time reading right now and talking about what we’ve read.  Here’s the list of books:

• Al Capone Does My Shirts—I had no idea that families used to live on Alcatraz Island!  I really liked this book and it’s main story line about 12 year old Moose and his autistic sister at a time when no one knew quite what to do with autistic children.
• Also Known as Harper—Poignant story of a family who becomes homeless.  The main character is a girl and Jared has had a hard time identifying with her, but I thought the author did a great job showing many of the little details that we normally would not think about.
• Artemis Fowl
• Charlie Joe Jackson’s Guide to Not Reading—Jenna didn’t care for this one, thought it was too modern with it’s pages of tips and occasional lists.  I thought it was a very clever story and I enjoyed it thoroughly.
• Claudette Colvin, Twice Toward Justice
• Fever Crumb
• The Girl Who Could Fly—my kids LOVED this book.  Seriously loved it.  Each would wait breathlessly for the next to read the sad part and to get to the end so they could talk about it.  I really expected to love it but I found it so-so.  Intriguing storyline, mediocre writing.  Satisfying ending, though.
• Incarceron—I read this a few years ago and don’t think I’ll read it again.  It’s a pretty long and highly convoluted fantasy story about a hidden prison and a mysterious prisoner that’s an entertaining read.
• The Lab--It was interesting to me that my kids like this one much better than I did.  The premise was interesting but not particularly well written, and I hated the feeling of certainty I had a long time before it ended that it was just setting me up for the sequel. 
• The Red Umbrella-- I wasn't impressed with the beginning of the book--the main character seemed like a shallow whiney teenager. But as the story got going she developed more maturity and the story became more interesting and I was hooked. I had NO idea that in the early stages of the Cuban revolution 14,000 children were sent to the United States to save them from the revolution. What a heartbreaking time.
• Seedfolks—this was the first BoB book I read and I loved it.  It’s a book of little stories about different people who start gardens in what was a vacant lot.  I love the sense of growing community in what was previously a barren area.
• A Tale Dark & Grimm—Here was another book that we divided on.  Rachel really loved this one, a modern twisting of fairy tales with an interesting narrator.  I got a little tired of the narrator. 
• Tangerine—I’m reading this one right now.  I’ll let you know what I think.
• Three Days—A very interesting premise for a book—Jackie is on a business trip with her father when he has a heart attack and dies.  She is grabbed by two men off the side of the road and taken far away to their house, where she tries to figure out what they are doing and why.  Jackie is the only character after her father dies that speaks English, so that makes for an interesting book.
• Under the Blood-Red Sun--I had never stopped to wonder how the people in Hawaii dealt with the Japanese population in Hawaii after Pearl Harbor.  This book tells the story of a young teenaged boy who is living on Oahu then, and a little about the things (good and bad) that happen to his family.  I thought the book was well-written and I enjoyed it.  I find myself conflicted--between hoping I would be loyal to friends, and thinking that I would also be suspicious of where the loyalties of the Japanese people lay.  I thought it was interesting that at the end of the book the author says that there was never a single confirmed case of espionage or sabotage done by any Japanese person living in Hawaii. 
  
• A Wrinkle in Time—I am re-reading this one right now.  Even though I'm conflicted because I just read an interesting biography/memoir about L'Engle, I'm still enjoying the story. 

I came into the family room the other morning (at a time when everyone should have been doing math) and this is what I saw.

I reminded myself that one of the things I love about home schooling is that we get a lot of flexibility, and then took a picture.  How I love to see my kids reading happily!

Word Play

I can’t remember where I saw these books recommended recently, but I picked them up at the library and we all read through them.  I know I’m easily entertained, but I thought the word play was very clever. 

Here are some of my favorites:

 

and my favorite, the one that makes me laugh every time…

 

(I don’t know who these books are really for.  They’re certainly picture books, but I’m not sure how young of kids could appreciate them.)

Reading Report

We did it—we read “A Swiftly Tilting Planet” aloud.  At 320 pages this is definitely the longest book I’ve read to the kids.  It’s also by far the hardest—lots of different characters, travel through time, and a fair amount of heartbreak.  But we did it, and it was magnificent.  I was determined to be done before the kids left on the trek, and in a manner very foreign to me (much more like Russ, the worlds greatest read aloud parent) we read together for hours at a time and I was hoarse for days.  And it was so worth it.  Madeleine L’Engle is one of my favorite authors, and this is one of my favorite of her books.  (Right up there with “A Ring of Endless Light.”)  I love L’Engle’s descriptions of the music of the universe, of the old harmonies, and her explanations of how the littlest change can impact the entire world.  I hope my kids got some of that and were able to appreciate the beauty of her language as well.

Next up on our reading plate: “The Book of Three,” the first book in Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain Chronicles that’s better known for the second book, “The Black Cauldron.” 

Read-Aloud Report

We are having such fun reading aloud.  Half Magic was more than half entertaining and now Jenna is reading more books by the same author.  Nancy Drew and the Bungalow Mystery was like a delightful blast from the past.  We were particularly entertained by the continuing description of the “black foreign car” as if that was somehow significant.  Then we realized that when the book was written in 1930, a foreign car was might have been unusual.  Rachel found the next Nancy Drew on cd in the library and listened to that.  Then she said the reader (a professional and well known actress, lol) just didn’t do as good of a job as me.  I told her I still wasn’t reading any more Nancy Drew books aloud. 

A few minutes ago we finished our third book—one I decided to read to them on impulse after having read it myself for the first time last week.  It is by Lois Lowry (one of my top kid’s authors) and is called “The Willoughbys.”

I thought I’d read all of Lowry’s books, but somehow missed this one.  The book is totally tongue in cheek (including a hilarious glossary at the end of the book that I wish we’d read when we started) and we were laughing the whole time.  I’m not surprised, since Lowry’s “Attaboy Sam” is hands down the funniest book we’ve ever, ever read. 

Next up, “A Swiftly Tilting Planet.”  Wish us luck on that one—complicated, not funny at all, but beautiful language and fascinatingly complex storyline…

I ♥ Cameron Dokey

A couple of weeks ago while we were at Alisyn’s I borrowed a few of her daughter’s books. I saw them there on the shelves and thought that I needed a good, sweet read. (Little did I know!) Then I checked some more out from the library. Since that day I’ve read about 5 of these books and I have to tell you…

I love Cameron Dokey.

I’m not sure what Cameron Dokey used to write, in her other life. It looks like there’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer book and some teen romances. Whatever. But what she writes now?!? Sigh…Fairy Tale Perfection.

Cameron Dokey writes for a series of books called “Once Upon a Time.” Each book is a retelling of a classic fairy tale, usually between 175 and 200 pages. There are several other authors who contribute to the series, and their books have been ok. But Cameron? Her books are rich, sweet, and filled with wisdom of the heart.

I even marked some quotes for you so you’d know how good these are. From the book “Winter’s Child,” a retelling of the Snow Queen:

“No,” my father answered simply. “Nothing stays the same, Deirdre. That, too, is part of life. Sometimes, pushing against change only makes it push back twice as hard. But even the most bitter fruit may contain something sweet at its core. A taste you would never have encountered if you had not been willing to endure the bitter first.”

and another

None of us can accept all of what we may be offered in this life. Sometimes we must say no, even to love.

From the book “Golden,” a retelling of Rapunzel:

Can love happen in an instant, or can it only grow slowly, bolstered by the course of time? Is it possible that love might be both? A thing that takes forever to reach it’s true conclusion, made possible by what occurs in no more than the blink of an eye?

and later,

That is what love is, I thought. A possibility that becomes a choice. A choice you keep making, over and over. Day after day. Year after year. Time after time…

These books don’t take me very long to read, and last week it was good to have something to read that helped me feel calm and happy, even in the midst of uncertainty. So thank you, Cameron Dokey. I think I’m going to have to read your books aloud to my little girls now!

I ♥ My Little OCD Reader

For a long time my little kids struggled with reading. They (with their born-11-weeks-prematurely brains) took much longer to learn than my older children (with their born-at-39-or-41-weeks-gestation-just-like-they-should-have-been brains) did, and took even longer to read fluently or easily.

Part of the problem in a situation like that is cyclical. No one likes to do anything that is too hard, but when you don’t do the hard thing it doesn’t get any easier, and then you keep not liking to do it because it’s so hard. And on and on.

We read to them and read to them and read to them. If you’ll remember, Russ read ALL 7 of the Harry Potter books to them, a feat that still astounds me. (Have I mentioned lately that he is the best? [Russ, not Harry Potter.] Because I really think he is. [Russ, not Harry Potter.] But I digress.) All of that reading didn’t seem like it was moving them towards being truly independent readers, a trait we cherish around here.

Jenna finally started doing some reading on her own. Then one summer while we were visiting in Utah a cousin introduced Rachel to a series of books about cats, called Warriors. Well anything animal related appeals to Rachel, and both she and Jenna started reading these books. They loved them and couldn’t get enough. Eventually Jared started reading them too and I was happy.

But after about 18 months of solid of warrior cats reading I started worrying. I didn’t want them only reading one type of book. Because this woman has written an unbelievable amount of books about these warrior cats, but one day they’re going to run out, and I don’t want them coming to the end of the warrior cat books and thinking that there’s nothing else out there that they would enjoy reading. (I do know a person who believes, quite seriously, that there’s only one author in the world that he can enjoy reading.)

Eventually I decided to try a little incentive. (This was when we could still afford incentives, obviously.) I told them I would pay 50 cents/book for any book not in their regular reading programme. Jenna branched out in a few different directions, and then Jared tried something new. But Rachel still resisted, not wanting to stop the warrior cat series she was currently on.

Then, for some reason, she started looking at our bookshelves. When next I saw, she had something different on her menu. But was it just one book? On no, not Rachel-the-fan-of-series reader. Rachel had found “Ramona the Pest.” “Ramona and her Mother” and “Ramona and her Father.” A whole stack of Ramona books accumulated though out the years. And guess what. She read them all, in order, and requested the books from the library that we were missing.

It totally made me laugh, because I’m really like that in my reading. If there is a series, I don’t want to read just one book. I want to read all of them. And in order, of course. Sometimes I avoid reading a book because I know it comes in a series, and if I read one I’ll want to read them all. And I HATE having read something out of order and finding out information I shouldn’t have known until later. (Though, truth be told, I have been known to read the 3rd book in the Anne of Green Gables series all by itself just because the romance is so delicious that sometimes I cannot resist it.)

So the girls are back to their warrior reading now. Rachel finished a book today and told me how wonderful it was. Jared has plans to read a book in his other favorite series as soon as he finished “The Alliance.” But at least they’ve all tried (and liked) some new things, at least now they know there are other things out there that the really will enjoy reading.

I think it was money well spent…

Sweet Validation

I was just listening to an interview online with Sister Julie Beck and her daughters.  Apparently at some point the producer asked them what their favorite family activity was, and they all said (without hesitation) that it was breakfast with books. 

Sister Beck explained that she loved reading herself and she really wanted her kids to love to read, and so she let them bring a book to the breakfast table on Saturday mornings.

Then one of the daughters went on to say that she really didn’t know how to eat without a book!  She said that occasionally now she and her husband will tell their family that they’re having a “reading dinner” (which usually means her husband needs some peace and quiet)  and all 7 of their children will run and grab their books.  Their youngest children read the Friend magazine because it doesn’t matter if they spill on that.

 

I love it.  Because not only do I read in the bathtub, I read while I eat.  Not if I’m eating with my family—I draw the line there.  (For me and for anyone eating at a table with me.)  But if I’m eating breakfast by myself—grab the book!  And I think we’re going to start having some breakfasts with books!!

 

PS—I must tell you quickly about the fun book I just read.  It was one I just grabbed off a shelf, and you know what a dangerous practice that can be.  But this one was great—nothing (NOTHING!) objectionable, and a fun murder mystery.  It’s called “The Sudoku Murder.”

PPS—I cannot spell Sudoku.  Took me 3 tries…

Praise: How To (and How Not To)

Several years ago an article was published that shook the parenting world to it’s foundations.  It said that praising our children was bad.  How could this be, we wondered.  We had accepted as fact the theories that started in the seventies that said that praise would give children better self esteem, which would help them succeed in life more.  (I still remember my younger sister’s first grade curriculum “Super Me, Super You.  No phonics, just self esteem…)

I remember talking with friends about this article.  If we weren’t supposed to praise our children, what were we supposed to say to them?  Were some types of praise ok while others were not?  Did every child really need a trophy at the end of swim season???

 

Several week ago I finished a great parenting book.  It was called “Between Parent and Child,” and I wish I’d read it several children ago.  It was easy to read, matter of fact, and went right along with the ideas I’m already working towards in my parenting.  One of the things I’ve been trying to implement with my kids is empathetic listening.  When they say something I try to really hear them, and show that with my response.  Some examples:

"My teacher is such a jerk.”  I used to say something like “Well maybe your teacher was having a bad day,” or “I’m sure he’s not that bad.”  Now I say “You sound really frustrated,” or “Sounds like you had a hard day.”

“I wish I had enough money to buy that toy like my friend has.”  I used to moralize about how we have everything we need, or that being frugal was important.  Now I try to fantasize with them.  I say something like “I know!  I wish you had enough money too, that would be so cool!” 

All of this real listening seems to help diffuse the feelings my kids are having; they can tell that I have heard them and typically they are satisfied by our conversation.  And that makes me happy.

 

I was also pleased when there was a paragraph on effective praise at the end of the book.  Finally—some guidance beyond “don’t praise!”  Here is what it said:

In praising, when you want to tell your children what you appreciate about them or their effort, describe the specific acts.  Do not evaluate character traits.  This recognition of what your child has done allows them to make their own inferences about what it all means. 

The author goes on to say that the things that our children conclude about themselves are much more meaningful to them than the things that we tell them about themselves. 

 

This is definitely going to take some work for me, but I’m excited to at least have some idea about what I’m supposed to be doing!

Tense About Tense (and a Book Review too…)

While I was in Utah one of the books that I read was called “Friendship Bread.”  I was in the mood for something light and fluffy and this just fit the bill.

 

EXCEPT.

 

I had a problem with the tense. 

 

Now this isn’t the first time this has happened to me.  About two months ago I saw a book recommended somewhere and checked it out; I read two pages and sent it right back to the library.  Usually that happens because the level of sex or profanity are too high for me, but this time the problem was just that the tense made me tense.  I don’t know what it is, but reading a book written in third person present tense that seems to flip-flop from past to present in the same sentence???  It just drove me crazy.  Here is one of the sentences for your reading pleasure.  And if it doesn’t seem awkward to you, you’ll probably love the book!

Edie's friendship with Livvy started in an unremarkable way, and then blossomed into something Edie has come to treasure.

It made me CRAZY!!! 

 

(But I still might make some of the recipes at the end of the book…)

3 Down, 5 To Go, and How Everything We Thought About Kids Was Really Wrong

 

I finished my third book on this trip last night.  (Which means that while I did pack a lot of books, perhaps I was not as excessive as Russ though—after all, I still have a 5 hour shuttle ride up to Idaho to visit Cindy Lynn, and a plane trip home.  Who knows how much more reading I will get done!) 

 

(Cindy Lynn thinks that in the interest of honesty I should add that I just borrowed a book from my sweet friend Abigail…I’m a little worried about not having enough to read now!)

 

Anyway, back to this book.  It is called Nurture Shock.  I think the title comes from the shock you will feel when you learn that so much of the conventional wisdom about children is actually very very wrong. 

 

The authors began by researching the science of motivation in grownups, and then began to investigate how kids get self confidence.  Much to their surprise the scientific evidence they found showed pretty conclusively that the parental instinct that it was important to tell your kids how smart they are is actually dead wrong.  The article that they first published a couple of years ago which became the 1st chapter in this book) surprised and fascinated me. 

Here are some of the other topics they cover in this book:

• sleep
• racial issues
• kids & lying
• early IQ tests
• sibling rivalry
• teen rebellion
• teaching self-control
• connections between tv and social aggression
• language development

I really enjoyed this book, and will have to re-read a few parts.  Maybe on the plane!

Too Many Books (Can there Be Too Many Books?) [There Really ARE Too Many Books!]

I love reading. Really, I do. I love all sorts of books:

Church books, self-help books, fiction, fantasy, Louis L’Amour, mountain climbing, curtain-making, non-fiction, parenting books, and even every now and then a tame romance novel!

My problem is that A)my days have only 24 hours and I really need to be asleep during 9 of those hours, B) I also love sewing and blogging and traveling and gardening and all sorts of other things, and C) people in this house expect to have clean laundry occasionally.

I love our library system, and the ease with which I can now put a book—almost any book—on hold. Then magically I’ll get an email in my inbox telling me that my newest hold is in, and I’ll pick it up at the library and add it to my ever-growing, never-ending pile of books to read.

just one of the stacks of books in my life…

I have books everywhere, and am usually reading several at the same time. But no matter how many places I read how many books, I can never get through them all. As I get ready to leave for my twin-helping trip to Utah I will have to return a bunch of unread books to the library. I hate that! They need to be read! I want to know what they say! How will I remember which ones I didn’t finish so that I can re-request them when I get back? And will I be able to finish them before we leave for Utah on our family vacation???

These questions cause me stress…

So here is my question for you—how do you keep track of books you want to read without just checking them all out over and over again? And don’t tell me Goodreads—there has to be a better way!

(At least the library let’s you renew a book as many times as you want now unless someone else has requested it…)

New Year’s Resolution #12 & a Book Review Too

Here’s a resolution that will probably surprise anyone who ever friended me on Goodreads, only to find out that I never actually use Goodreads:

I’m gonna do it this year.  Resolved.  I promise.

In the beginning I thought Goodreads was a great idea.  But do you know what happened?  Ratings.  The idea of having to assign a rating to each book I read just shut down my brain big time.  I couldn’t figure out what three stars should mean.  Was it like a C in school; theoretically an “average” grade, but in reality might as well be failing?  The stress of grappling with these weighty issues was too much for my fragile mental state and I resigned myself to a life of enjoying everyone else’s Goodreads reports but never having one of my own.

But after thinking about it for at least a year, I’ve figured out my own personal rating system.

★★★★★  = fabulous, worth reading more than once and even buying.
★★★★ = a great book, one that I’d read again but wouldn’t buy.
★★★= enjoyable but not something that I’d read again.
★★= OK, I finished it but wasn’t thrilled.
★= Not worth my time, wish I hadn’t read it, or didn’t finish.

Can I tell you what a weight off my brain it is to have that figured out?!?  Now I just have to remember what my Goodreads password is!

Book Review: Saving CeeCee Honeycutt

I saw this book recommended a few places and got it from the library to read over the holidays.  It was a fun choice.

CeeCee Honeycutt is a 12 year old child who has been raised by a mentally ill mother.  When her mother dies she is taken to Savannah to spend the summer with her great-aunt.  The synopsis on the inside of the cover intrigued me, since it promised that this is “a book of feminine wisdom.”  I decided to keep track of the bits of wisdom, and I wasn’t disappointed.  Read the book—it's like a gentle Savannah hug.  And in the meantime, here’s some feminine wisdom for you:

• Do something too often and it stops being special.
• Just set up as best you can…we’ll play with whatever we got.
• This is what friends should do: cherish the good and pretend not to notice the harmless rest.
• It’s what we believe about ourselves that determines how others see us.
• Don’t go wastin’ all them bright tomorrows you ain’t ever seen by hangin’ on to what happened yesteryear.
• Wisdom comes from experience—from knowing each day is a gift and accepting it with gladness.
• Its how we survive the hurts in life that brings us strength and gives us our beauty.

2267 Down, 1831 to Go

After thinking about it for the last 3 months (and deciding I didn’t have enough time) I decided 3 weeks ago that I really did want to read all of the Harry Potter books before the new movie comes out.   Fortunately I had already read last months book club book and this month’s as well, so I just dove right in.

Right now I’m halfway through book 5.  I’d forgotten how much I hate (loathe, despise, detest, get the picture) Delores Umbrage!

My brain is struggling a little.  Right after Russ finished reading the last HP book to the little kids, Jared started listening to them on cd.  He finished listening to book 6 last week and is on book 7 now.  Quite often he’s listening around me, so I have snatches of his 6 and 7 mixed in with my 4 and 5…

Oh well, it will all be so much fresher when we watch the new movie!  And oh my goodness, what a treat to just read straight through them without having to wait another year for the next to come out!!

Don't You Always Make Bread Like This???

I’m working on it, Amy!

Real Love: A Book Review and How I Got to This Place

(I thought I’d tell you a little more about the book I was trying to give Lindsay the other day.)

I’m not sure I would have liked this book if someone had introduced me to it 23 years ago.

When Russ and I were newlyweds, we had a guest speaker one night at homemaking.  She worked with Stephen Covey, and was there to teach us some of the ideas that he was working on.

I only remember one thing that she said. 

"We also can choose to be proactive and not let our situation determine how we will feel.”

I could not comprehend this in my 20 year old brain.  I remember saying to her, “Do you mean that if my husband is mean to me, I can ‘choose’ not to get mad????”

All I could see was that if he was mean and I was mad, it was his fault. (Wasn’t it???)

It was a mystery to me and I am certain she was frustrated by her inability to explain well enough for me to understand.

Several years after that Covey published his book and I read it.  In the book his explanations helped me understand what I had not been able to see before, and when I prayed and asked Heavenly Father to show me the truth of this in my life, he did.

Not that I chose my reactions well much of the time, but I did know that it was possible.

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Several years ago one of my friends recommended I read the book “Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships” by Greg Baer.

The premise of the book is that most of us have not received much unconditional love (called “real love” in the book) in our lives.  Instead, we received conditional love; when we behaved well and were nice our parents were loving to us.  When we behaved poorly or badly they were angry or frustrated with us. 

This taught us that love is conditional, or that we have to buy it with our behavior.  Why is this a problem?

Imagine that every time you pay me fifty dollars, I tell you I love you. We could do that all day, but at the end of the day would you feel loved? No, because you’d know that I “loved” you only because you paid me. We simply can’t feel fulfilled by love we pay for. We can feel loved only when it is freely, unconditionally given to us.

Greg Baer, the author, says that the only kind of love that truly satisfies us and makes us feel loved is unconditional—when someone cares about our happiness without any thought of what they might get for themselves.

This was interesting to me because I could see myself in many of the behaviors he described that we use to “purchase” what he calls “fake” (conditional) love.  For as much of my life as I can remember, I’ve craved affirmation from the people around me.  I even thought that affirmation was probably my primary love language, but as I’ve practiced these principles my need for affirmation has calmed down a lot.

The other reason this book felt important to me was that I recognized myself in the parenting descriptions—I could see how conditional I’ve been in my reactions towards my own children.  Sure—when they’re convenient I am a totally loving mom.  But let me be tired or them be in the slightest bit inconvenient (loud, obnoxious, rude, tired, or heaven forbid childish!!) and I was frustrated, irritated, or angry.

I felt excited to think that there might be something that could really help me to be the mom I want to be—to be the kind of mom who’s kids feel like they are always loved, not just loved when they’re well behaved.

Interestingly enough, my kids would tell you that they knew I loved them, even if I was angry or unkind or yelling.  Just like you would probably tell me about your parents.  I believe that we have to tell our stories that way, because it is unbearable to admit that we feel differently.  So I could certainly keep justifying my actions, telling myself that I’m a “good enough” mother.

But that’s not what I want.  I want to feel better myself, and I want to be a better mom.  And I think this book seems to track pretty well with the scriptural principles like

“charity suffereth long and is kind…”

and

“though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing…”

 

I’ve never been able to figure out how to actually get that charity, or pure love like Christ has.  Especially in the midst of a moment of frustration.  But as far as I can tell, the scriptures make no excuse for those moments.  They don’t say

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind, as long as others are kind to her.” 

And they don’t say

“if I have not charity, I am nothing, unless it was a moment where it was just too hard to have charity and I’m sure you all understand about those kind of moments.

They simply say that we are to have charity.

I think this is helping…

Book Review: Three Cups of Tea and Stones Into School

Last weeks I read two wonderful and amazing books, "Three Cups of Tea" and "Stones into Schools."  (A huge thanks to Jenny for the recommendation!)  The first book, "Three Cups of Tea" started auspiciously, with a description of the author's attempt to climb K2, the second highest mountains in the world.  I figured any book that included mountain climbing must be worth reading.

After getting lost coming down K2 the author wanders into a remote village in Pakistan, where he is cared for and nursed back to health.  As he is convalescing he notices that each day the children of the village gather and sit outside, scratching in the dirt with sticks.  He is told that they have no school, and have a teacher only a few days every week, so on the other days the children sit and practice their schoolwork in the dirt.  When he left the village, he promised that he would return to build them a school.

The rest of the book tells of his incredible change from mountain climbing bum to full time philanthropist, building relationships and working with people in the remotest parts of the world to build schools.  The second book tells of his expansion into the remote areas of Afghanistan, and is equally compelling.

I can't imagine being this man, who has ended up devoting his life to the cause of providing education to the children of these countries.  And I think we will have to donate to his cause...