Something Has Changed

I spent a lot of time last year thinking a lot about my relationship with my Heavenly Father and wondering why I didn’t feel more love from Him.  Intellectually I knew that He loved me, but in my heart?  When I paid attention, I could tell that love from God wasn’t getting into my heart. 

During that year I worked a lot on my relationship with Him.  I prayed for help and used all of the little tools in my emotional arsenal to try to understand what was going on. 

 

*****

 

Last summer I blogged (here and here) about an interesting experience and realization I’d had. 

That day,  (in the convertible, top down, at the intersection of Snow Hill & Mason…the moment is still crystal clear in my memory) as I finished telling Russ about how filled with an awareness of our blessings I had been,  I told him that all I could feel was fear.  I was afraid of what was going to come next.

 

*****

 

When I had just turned 22, I thought my first child would die.  Before I turned 23 she had been in the hospital 5 times, several of those in critical condition. 

“Mrs. Ray, if she throws up one more time her heart might stop.”

Eventually there was a diagnosis, a treatment plan, and a prediction of life expectancy.  It was both a reprieve and a life sentence.

 

From the beginning I felt clearly that this was part of Heavenly Father’s plan for her life and for our life.  But that understanding did not make this easy for me—instead I was afraid; afraid of what she would experience, afraid of what I would need to do, afraid of the pain that would be ahead.

 

The fear started then and has continued throughout my adult life.  I have constantly been afraid that His plan for me (and mine) would demand too much of me and cause me more pain than I could bear.

 

*****

 

That day at the intersection last summer was the light bulb moment.  As I put in the blog entry last summer,

 

if I am afraid of God

if I mistrust his plan for me

and am afraid it will hurt me

How can I feel His love?

 

*****

 

As the summer wore on, and one thing after another broke and had to be paid for, I was aware of a constant peace.  No matter how much that debt mounted, I was certain that it would all be ok.  In the end we owed $17,000—a number that would have caused me a heart attack before.  But I just knew that it would work out ok.

 

And then one day I realized—

I am NO LONGER AFRAID.

*****

 

I have believed for a long time that most problems and issues in our lives don’t just fade away on their own, but need to be seen and identified to some degree first before we can deal with them.  I have believed that sometimes seeing an issue clearly and honestly, liberated from the hiding places in our mind and hearts, was enough to enable healing to begin.

 

But I was completely unprepared for this; my own mighty change of heart, facilitated by a warning and then a big and expensive trial.

 

*****

 

I think it was a bargain.

 

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