Change

I’m not good at change.

(Is anyone?  Is everyone but me??)

I know that change is supposed to be good for you.  That you’re supposed to embrace it instead of fighting it and that it can bring good and all sorts of other cliches. 

I’ve been through a lot of change in the last 3 years.  People and places and opportunities that I thought would be part of my life forever aren’t anymore.  I’ve had to learn a new place and figure out how to survive in an endless gray winter and I am still finding my place in this new world. 

Just when it started to feel as though we were on the downhill side of all of this change, Rachel started saying (very strongly) that she wanted to go full time to public school for high school next year. This is what I looked like when I heard that:

Once Rachel started saying that Jared said that he, too, wanted to go to regular high school.  This was definitely not my plan for them—I like homeschooling, it gives us great opportunities, and I’ve felt like there are some specific reasons that homeschooling through high school with a few classes every year at the high school was the best option for them.  At the same time I didn’t want to just ignore their feelings, so I told them I would pray about it.  Because I was certain that my feelings about homeschooling were the right feelings, you know. 

One of the ways I know when I’m getting inspiration is when I have a thought/feeling/idea that is not what I wanted or would have thought of.  And that’s definitely what happened in this case, much to my sorrow.  As soon as I prayed about it, and every time I prayed about it, a gentle thought came into my mind that this would not be a bad thing. 

Sigh…it feels like a Very. Bad. Thing. to me.

Especially because once I had acknowledged in my heart that I was going to need to send my kids off to full time high school, I realized that we needed to ease into this experience rather than just drop them into high school.  Right now they take two classes at the middle school, but those two classes are electives and not academic.  Before they start high school they need some practice at formal academic skills—lecture listening, note taking, and test taking. 

And that is why I found myself meeting with both the middle school principal and counselor on Friday.  Crying in both offices, to my great dismay.  There were other sad things going on in my heart that day, but I also realized at this point how much grief I really feel at the idea of not homeschooling my kids anymore.  Homeschooling isn’t easy, and I haven’t always done a great job at it, but I have loved it.  And just like that, it’s almost over.  One more ginormous change, one more heartbreaking loss.

 

In the movie “You’ve Got Mail” Tom Hanks’ character says that the movie “The Godfather” has the right quote for every occasion.  Ironically, quotes from “You’ve Got Mail” are right for many occasions in my life, including this one.

Towards the end of the movie Kathleen has come to Birdie’s house to tell her that she has decided to close the bookstore.  Birdie tells her that she is making the brave decision, but Kathleen doesn’t think that closing the bookstore is brave.  Birdie tells her that it is brave because she is daring to imagine that she can have a different life.

I guess that I’m getting the chance to work on being brave like that…