What scripture study feels like, and other musings

I sat down to study my scriptures and a thought popped into my head:

“I wonder how my scripture study session will feel today.”

I’ve been thinking about that recently, noticing that while sometimes I have a scripture study session that is deeply & spiritually satisfying filled with insights, many other times I have a session that just feels, well, normal.  Like I read something and thought about it and wrote about it.  But nothing more.

As I was thinking about this (and perhaps grumbling a little in my mind) I realized something.  The truth is, my life goes better when I spend time with my scriptures, regardless of how it felt.  Maybe I learn something important sometimes and other times it’s a review of things I already know.  Maybe my spirit and heart are more receptive to new information sometimes and other times I’m just showing up.  But any way it happens, I’m better off for having done it.

 

And then I had another thought.  I thought that (like many things) it would be too easy if scripture study was a spiritual feast every time.  It would be so easy to keep making the decision to read my scriptures if there was a guaranteed payoff like that.  Perhaps part of spiritual maturity is reaching the place where I read consistently, no matter what.  Whether I’m feeling the spirit or not.  Whether I feel like it’s going to feel meaningful or not.

 

And then that thought continued on out…as my thoughts so frequently do.  Isn’t this part of really being an adult?  Doing what we should do, even when we’re not feeling it?  Reading from the scriptures every day.  Making dinner for the kids even when we’re not particularly hungry.  Going to work every day (thanks Russ!!) even when we want a day off.  Having Family Night even when what we really want is to have Family Go to Bed Early Night.  Going to church every Sunday, paying tithing when it feels like there’s not enough money in the bank.  Taking responsibility for our behavior and apologizing for what we’ve done even when no one calls us on it.  Figuring out how to extend the benefit of the doubt when someone does something hurtful.  Trying every day to feel charity in our heart towards others. 

I think that Heavenly Father knows that decisions that are easy, that have an instant payoff or that make us immediately feel good don’t tell much about who we are.  It’s the harder decisions, the ones we make only because we know we should, the choices that sometimes feel like we’re making them uphill, that show who we are and what is truly important to us. 

I’m going to try to remember that the next time I’m not feeling very motivated to do something because I’m not sure how it’s “going to feel”.  Instead I will try to tell myself that it’s not about how it feels, it’s about what I’m choosing.  And who I’m choosing.  It’s my chance to choose Him in hundreds of tiny ways, every single way.