Thursday, July 10, 2014

An existential crisis & tender mercies

In the last few months I’ve had a lot of great travel adventures and spent a lot of time with wonderful people that I love.  It has been terrific.  These trips had a primary objective of spending time with the people I love and a secondary objective of helping me prevent/deal with seasonal depression and they were entirely successful.

But there was one unexpected consequence.

The combination of spending this time with these awesome people and the fatigue caused by traveling caused (let?) my tired brain to start thinking about all of the wonderful qualities I’d just witnessed and from there to begin to feel that because I didn’t _____ like this friend, ______ like that sister, and was sure I would never ______ like another friend, I was never really going to be any good.

On the one hand, the rational logical hand, I knew it was ridiculous.  But when you’ve been traveling and are super jetlagged it’s sometimes hard to make your brain let go of the ridiculous because it makes So Much Sense in that tired unhappy brain.  So I went through my first few days home with a cloud of “I’m just not much good” hanging above my head. 

By the beginning of this week I was starting to emerge from the jet-lagged fog.  My rational mind was working hard to ignore the tired pity-fest that had been going on and I was making some headway. 

And then, like a one-two punch, out of the blue I received two messages from two lovely people.  Both of those messages commented specifically and lovingly on things that they had observed as strengths in my life.  It was like a slap in the face, only the good kind.  These messages stopped me in my mental tracks, said look here, you are not anyone else, you are you, and you have some wonderful strengths.  It was like balm to my inadequate feeling soul and I instantly felt a course correction inside of me.  Isn’t it amazing when someone says something that may feel totally random to them and it is exactly what your soul is needing?  I am very amazed, and very grateful.

So thank you my kind friends for your words that meant more than you could know.  I can only hope that someday I am able to help to someone like that…

1 comment:

  1. Cindy,

    Thank you for all of your blogs! I LOVE all of them...I am reading a book right now written by one of my fiancé's relatives, Ester Rasband...Ironically, it's called: Confronting the Myth of Self-Esteem: Twelve Keys to Finding Peace." I know that you love good quotes as much as I do, so I wanted to share this quote from her book: "Our Father's way would be to remove our stress by refocusing us on the garden, extending his mercy and his direction. We gain access to his guidance through listening to the still, small voice and loving the Lord with all our heart, might, mind, and strength. The result of our obedience is that for which we truly yearn: peace." She talks about how a hunt for self-esteem usually leaves us all empty...but how a hunt for Christ leaves us with the truth that "I am loved and I am grateful." It's a powerful read so far, but I am only halfway through. :O) I love you! Have a fabulous weekend!!