Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Coming to terms with myself: cramming too much in

I don’t know what it is about getting older that has made me less patient with some aspects of my personality.  Perhaps I assumed that by the time I was almost 50 (because I am, after all) I would have matured out of some things and managed to overcome others.  And maybe I have and I just still have so many annoying tendencies that I can’t remember those others.  Whatever the truth of the matter, all I know if that I still frequently wish I could be/feel/do differently.

I had a moment recently though that left me reconsidering my previous impatience with myself and wondering if I perhaps needed to reframe the way I was thinking instead.  So here goes my first effort.

Here’s something that I am realizing more and more about myself in the last several years.  [Thanks to all who have known this for much longer for no rubbing it in my face right now.]  I am not good about analyzing time and planning for it.  I tend to cram more things than are comfortable in a given period of time, especially travel time. 

We’ve known that we would travel to Utah for a wedding in mid April since last fall.  At some point I decided that Russ & I should go to a seminar while we were there.  Then at a different time Cindy Lynn told me that she & Mahon had gone to a great performance of Les Mis (my very very favorite) in Salt Lake and that I should take the girls while we were out there.   I, of course, said sign me up.  Our Utah trip also included (in addition to the wedding which occupied most of a day) a hotel overnight with a brother & sister and a bunch of cousins, a day with Russ’s parents, a Ray family dinner, and not nearly enough time with Cindy Lynn and Kate. 

The Les Mis performance was the afternoon before the wedding.  I still had quite a bit of work to do on the wedding slideshow and I knew that between the wedding and the reception the next day was going to be really full.  As the girls and I drove up to Salt Lake I was mentally kicking myself for yet again scheduling too much into my trip.  Here I was, going to a play instead of playing with Kate.  Here I was going to a play instead of finishing the slideshow.  How stupid was I… Over and over these thoughts played through my mind.

But then we went into the theater and the lights went down and the smoke came up and the familiar strains of music filled the theater.  Three hours later I was wiping the tears from my eyes and hugging my girls and agreeing that yes, this really was the best musical in the world. 

And then I realized something.  I love that we manage to have a lot of amazing experiences.  I am so happy now that (for a reasonable price!!) I was able to introduce Rachel & Jenna to Les Mis.  I realized that sometimes I am willing to trade a calmer more peaceful pace of life for fitting in some extra experiences.  It’s not the way I live my day-to-day life, but I think that sometimes it’s worth it.  So in the future I want to be careful about how I allocate my time, but once I’ve decided that something is worth adding I’m going to stop second-guessing myself and just go ahead and enjoy.

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