Rooms With a View

I spend a fair amount of time disliking my windows. I mean they're picturesque and all, if you're into colonial style windows. (Tall & narrow) But they are definitely old and my life would just be so much better if we could afford to replace them.

But every now and then I remember to focus out of the windows instead of spending my time just focusing on the windows.

Much better....

PS — You know I was kidding about new windows changing my life, right? Here's a funny story for you. Josh got a cell phone for his birthday this summer. He was obsessed with getting it and insisted that Russ take him to pick it out the very first moment possible. A few weeks ago I was looking at his cell phone and asked if he likes having it as much as he expected. He looked at me, and then said, "Well, I really thought texting was going to change my life..."

Waiting on the Lord

I've been having a hard time. Not a hard time in some obvious concrete sort of way, like breaking a limb or contracting H1N1. More of a building sadness inside of me with a sudden awareness a few days ago that I am deeply unhappy about something in my life.

I spent much of the weekend in a major, full sized temper tantrum. The combination of total exhaustion (from the fair, which I will tell about later) and unhappiness propelled me towards my bed, where I spent most of Friday afternoon and all of Saturday.

After I had sorted through my feelings I told Russ why I was so upset. ("Told" is such a calm word, really. What happened was much more like ranting and raving combined with a whole lot of crying. Yes, he is a saint.) All of my feelings and sadness and worry came spilling out.

But then something strange happened.

Right in the middle of my total temper tantrum, while I was still wiping tears from my red eyes and blowing my stuffy nose, I had a moment of clarity.

I suddenly remembered that for the last month or two I have been praying — fervently and earnestly praying — for a better understanding of a gospel principle that I am realizing that I understand in my mind but not in my heart. I have had some trepidation as I have prayed for this understanding — I am quite aware that learning is not always comfortable. But I can also see what a difference this change would make in my life.

As I sat there on Saturday, wiping and blowing and crying, I could suddenly see that this situation in my life that makes me so sad also creates what could be the perfect space for Heavenly Father to help me learn what he wants me to know.

I was startled.

These thoughts stayed in the back of my mind for the rest of the day, as I slept and laid on my bed and watched the rain and slept some more. Could it really be that Heavenly Father was actively working towards what I have been pleading for him to show me? Is it possible that this unhappiness in my life is not just a random juxtaposition of events, but instead a carefully crafted classroom?

By the time night came, I had decided that I was going to give it a chance. Instead of scurrying around and figuring out how to "fix" my little sadness with chocolate and other natural woman solutions, I am going to do my best to wait on the Lord. I am going to keep praying for understanding and trust that he can manage this situation better than I can. I am going to trust that he cares about the sorrow in my heart and that he will not only teach me but lead me to something better in the end.


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A big thanks to Russ & my awesome kids for taking care of things so that I could check out for a while. Yes, I know that I am really blessed.

And to my sweet little girls, who left me this note:

Consecrated

I have long found comfort in the midst of adversity (my own or others') in several scriptures. When thing are especially difficult I remind myself often,

We know that all things work together for good to them that love God...

Romans 8: 28

or I think of the words given to Joseph in Liberty Jail:

...know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

D&C 122: 7

I've thought of these scriptures a lot in the last few years. Cindy Lynn has had such difficult and ongoing health issues that I sometimes feel frustration and despair at the problems that seem never-ending. I have had to consciously remind myself of these promises from the Lord to be able to have peace in my heart.

As I was reading in 2nd Nephi recently something caught my eye. At first it seemed to be a verse that said the same thing as these other verses that have given me hope and peace. But as I looked at it, I realized that it was slightly different. Lehi, speaking to his son Jacob, said:

Nevertheless, Jacob, my first-born in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.

2 Nephi 2:2

The difference, I realized, was the word consecrate. Lehi was saying that not only would these experiences benefit him, but that they would be consecrated. I tried to figure out exactly what that would mean, and finally looked up consecrate in one of my reference books.

Consecrate: To do something "with sacredness," to dedicate, devote, and focus oneself toward the realization of a sacred end. In addition, it is to set apart and designate for sacred purposes...

This touched my heart deeply; the idea that our trials and tribulations can be set apart and designated for a sacred pupose — the sacred purpose of helping us learn and grow and become more like our Father in Heaven. As I thought about this verse over the next several days, I started to see that in this context our trials might actually be seen as sacred and holy experiences.

This idea is a stretch for me, and it's a far cry from the "I think life should be a beach vacation" mantra that I've lived by for so much of my life. I am hoping that as I keep these thoughts in my mind and heart, I can be more open to this understanding and eventually truly feel the truth of Lehi's words...

he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain...

Oh Well....

Russ was quite surprised to see that one of the articles in the Ensign this month was on blogging; "Finding and Sharing the Gospel Online."

I was feeling pretty good about my blogging until I read this suggestion, under the heading Be a Blogging Missionary:

When you write a post, keep it relatively short.

Yeah, right!

Memorable Movies: Disney's Earth

I've been thinking for a while about adding some movie reviews to my blog. When Cindy Lynn started college and we got real poor, we had to get rid of Dish Network. (And a bunch of other things, including food and electricity. :) ) When things eased up again we considered adding Dish back into our lives, but just never could bring ourselves to do it. Eventually we tried Netflix for a month and decided that it was a better deal for our money. Since then we've had a steady stream of movies come in the mail, but we've also sampled a lot of the movies that are available to watch online. Russ is good at finding obscure movies that we end up really enjoying, and I thought we would pass those finds on to you.

Tonight's movie was the documentary Earth by Disney. What a gargantuan undertaking this movie was. It took 5 years to film, used 40 film teams, and over 2000 days in filming. It is unbelievably beautiful. The score is also beautiful and the fact that James Earl Jones narrates doesn't hurt either. (Though I did see one reviewer say they felt like Darth Vadar was telling him about the earth!)

This isn't an easy movie to watch, though, and I'm not sure it's for young kids. It follows the year long journey of three animal groups; a mother polar bear and her cubs, a herd of elephants, and a humpback whale and her calf. (You know I loved that part!) The film shows that the circle of life often means that for one animal to eat, another has to die, and that when an animal can't find something to eat it will die. Even though it was filmed and narrated gently it was really heartbreaking to watch at times. It might also scare young children to see the great white shark jump 32 feet out of the water! But we thought that part was cool.

I'm going to go watch it again, and then I'm going to watch the bonus "making of" feature. I think this movie is a great tribute to the amazing world that was created for us.

Rachel said at the end of the movie,

I'm glad I saw this movie, so that now I know what nature is really like. I had to learn sometime!

Next year (Earth Day 2010) they're coming out with a movie entirely about oceans. I think I'll have to see that one in the theater!

Book Review: The Giver

I am fascinated by dystopian novels; novels which present someone's idea a perfect society, and then show just how and why that idea won't work. I think that no one has written a better dystopian novel than Lois Lowry in The Giver.

What is particularly chilling about Lowry's novel is that her society really does seem utopian at first. Everyone is polite. No one wants anyone else to feel uncomfortable. Jobs are carefully matched to individuals after years of observation, and marriages are arranged in the same careful way. Everything is neat and orderly. (Thanks Katie for pointing this out!)

And what's not to like about that?

Gradually, even as Lowry seduces you with her pleasant community, she begins to insert vague suspicions that everything is not as wonderful as it seems on the surface. Beginning with a discussion of the good things that might be lost as a side effect of inconvenient things being eliminated, and culminating in the observation of a matter-of-fact use of euthanasia, the weaknesses and hidden secrets of the society are revealed.

In the end we see that without choice and opposition, life would lose the depth, meaning, connection, and joy we experience now.

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PS--One of my other favorite dystopian novels is called The Alliance and is an early book by Gerald Lund. If anyone is interested in reading it, just let me know. (And no, it's not nearly as long as the Work & the Glory books!)

PPS--Last night at book club we looked to see what year The Giver was published. It was in 1993, in case you're wondering. Most of the women in our book club were still in kindergarten then. I myself was married with two children by that point. But no, I didn't feel old or anything...

Playing Chicken on the way to the Fair

You know how I posted on Monday that we were going to spend the day at the NC State Fair?

Well.

Let me tell you about that.

One of my children (who shall remain nameless, but looks a lot like this)

was in a mood.

I was tired of the mood and the mean and ugly voice that went along with it.

And so in the car on Monday I broke one of the cardinal rules of parenting.

Rule #13: Never make a promise that you are not willing to keep.

(This is why I never threaten to kill my kids. Bodily harm, yes--I am relatively sure I can keep that promise. But all the way dead, probably not.)

I picked up my cell phone, called Russ, and said very loudly into the phone,

I've changed my mind. I'm tired of this child's bad attitude and ugly behavior and we're going to go back home.

And then I turned the van around and started driving north.

Now I wanted to go to the fair. Really bad. I just didn't want to have a nasty child in the car with me for the hour long drive, or spend the day with his nasty attitude. I was counting on him wanting to go to the fair bad enough to be willing to apologize and change his voice & behavior.

So much for that fantasy.

He didn't say a word as we drove back home, then he went straight upstairs and locked himself in his room.

(For various other reasons I couldn't drop him off at home and go to the fair without him.)

I was pretty mad.


Eventually I got over it (and myself) and calmed down enough to talk to him about his behavior. He actually started behaving like a reasonable human being again and was pleasant to be around all afternoon and the next day as well.

Tonight we drove over to the fairgrounds after church just to watch the fireworks. (More on that in a minute.) Tomorrow morning I am going to take the little kids to the fair for a couple of hours. But he will not be going.

I hope this actually sinks in. I hope he will remember that he missed out on a great family experience because of his behavior.

I hope I survive this. Raising teenagers is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

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The fireworks show tonight was great. It only lasts about 15 minutes, it never stops the whole time.

There was something unexpected about the fireworks show. We did not expect to have debris raining down on us the entire time. We sat in about the same place last year and didn't notice it at all. Tonight it was everywhere. Including in our hair.

Here is a short video clip that shows the debris falling.

And here are some pictures. The last one doesn't show the full situation, because of the camera flash. The fuse was actually still burning when it landed in between our windshield and the hood of the van. A woman passing by donated the rest of her Mountain Dew to put out the little fire!

pieces that fell, the top of the van after, and the still burning fuse