Phillipians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I woke early Saturday morning. It was ironic, since I almost never wake early and Russ had been worried that he would. I lay in bed, listening to the rain in the dark and telling my brain to go back to sleep.
Instead, it started running the millions of possible scenarios in our future, leaving me teary and feeling both helpless and hopeless.
It is one thing to sit in a class at church and talk about Lehi’s family leaving Jerusalem, or the pioneers travelling across the country with only 17 pounds allowed per person. We can sympathize with their experience and talk about the need to have faith and trust in what the Lord has said. We shake our heads about Laman and Lemuel and their stiff-necked stubbornness, asking why they would murmur about leaving their comfortable life in Jerusalem. We can even hypothesize what 17 pounds of belongings we would take if we were pioneers and called upon to leave our homes.
The reality of it, even an abstract and unknown reality like the one we’re facing, is an entirely different animal. Laying there in the dark I was distressed to think of leaving this home that we’ve come to love so much. Of having to leave my big bathtub, my beautiful neighborhood, all of the space that we have. The thought of having to leave my friends, our friends, can bring me to tears at any moment. We have lived in this place for 16 years, and in this house for 10. This is the longest I have been anywhere in my entire life, and I have put down deep roots.
Neal Maxwell said,
“The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar. The many other things we 'give' are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us.”
Yes, this is really what we’re aiming for. But in the nitty gritty of it, the idea of actually letting go of what I want feels almost impossible. The idea that all of the things we have loved about our life for the last decade might be lost forever is almost unbearable.
I once knew a family in a similar situation that lasted many months. As I watched these people go through their unemployment experience I confidently told Russ that I would do it this way, and I would feel that way, and I would let go of the things I was holding on to so much more easily. How ironic that I am going to get my own chance to live this experience and see if I really can live up to those lofty ideals.
In the end, of course, we will do what we have to. But I can see the truth of Elder Maxwell’s words as never before. That true spiritual success will come not merely when we are obedient, but when we are able to submit our will—our desires, our comforts, our preferences--to the will of God.
I do not think it will be easy.
So yesterday was a good day for Semtech stock. After being lower for quite some time, stocks rose about $3 a share.
Much of the increase in value can be attributed to the news that Semtech has discovered a way to make one of it’s small divisions “more profitable.”
Unfortunately, in this economy “more profitable” almost always means “fewer employees.” In this case, apparently it will be “more profitable” for Semtech to operate without the 15 people in Russ’s group. Including Russ.
This is going to be a new experience for us. In 2005 the company Russ was working for was closed and he was laid off, but it was a very different experience. He got to work for 2 months after the layoffs were announced and we had about 5 months of severance. The economy was fairly robust and he found a new job almost immediately.
Yesterday he met with the HR person, was given 2 cardboard boxes to pack up his belongings, and then he was escorted from the building. He was given 6 weeks of severance, 7 days of vacation pay, and told that we still own some of our stock options.
Good thing stocks are up.
I lay in bed last night, thinking that now we will be able to cross another of life’s big traumas off our our life list. We’ve experienced the death of a parent, worried about the death of a child, and now we’re going to get to learn how to be unemployed.
Oddly enough, I feel like I’ve been somewhat prepared to have this happen and still be able to trust in God and His plan. I don’t want to have to change our lifestyle. It’s been fun to have this great job and to be able to relax some of our financial worries. But it’s seems clear that that experience is over and we’ll have to learn a new way of living.
I might regret Russ taking that job; it worries me that we living in this big house. But I know both of those things were put into our life by Heavenly Father—I know that as well as if they had come with a card signed by Him personally. So it seems this must mean it will all be ok, whatever ok means. However long ok means. Wherever ok means. (And boy does it hurt me to write that one!)
I am committed to one thing. That this is going to be the best experience possible, for all of us. We are going to enjoy having Russ around—what a treat it will be after his 90 minute round trip commute and long work days. Happily I had just bought tickets last month for Mahon and Cindy Lynn to come out after Christmas. So Christmas will be small, but at least we’ll all be together.
Now I need to get dressed; we’re going to start our first morning as an unemployed couple by going to the temple. Somehow I think we’re going to need all of the help from above that we can get…
This summer someone asked me the a question—something like why my kids didn’t play soccer, or why they didn’t play sports.
This assumption isn’t exactly accurate. Cindy Lynn played soccer. (Or stood around on a soccer field looking cute, anyway.) Jason and Josh both played soccer and baseball. All of my kids have been on the swim team for many years.
What is accurate is that my little kids don’t play soccer, or do any sports other than swim team. I’m sure my friend had no idea the amount of soul searching that has gone into that exact topic. Rachel and Jared told me that they wanted to play soccer a few years ago. It was really a bad year for us to spend almost $200 on signing up for a soccer team, and we were going to be out of town during the registration period. So I asked them,
“What does playing soccer mean to you? Why do you want to do it?”
and they responded,
“Having fun! Meeting new people! Getting treats!”
So then I told them they wouldn’t be playing soccer, but that I would try hard to be sure that they met new people, got to play more, and had plenty of treats. And my plan has been relatively successful.
This is a real issue for me. If my kids were to play soccer on the league that operates near us, they would have practices on multiple weeknights and Sunday as well. If there were to play on one of the leagues in Durham every practice would involve almost an hour of driving, and there would go our family dinners & evening time together. Additionally, one of the things I know about myself is that too much driving around & being busy really saps the life out of me. It doesn’t take too much before I feel like there isn’t anything good left in me to give to my family. No listening mom, no homemade dinners, no reading together or playing games. Just grouchy tired me. So Russ & I have deliberately made choices that help me be the mom that I want to be.
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The other day one of my friends said something interesting. She said “I think I can finally see that my parents were trying their best. Sure, they did a lousy job at a lot of things. But they were doing the best they knew how, and they certainly weren’t trying to hurt me.”
It really made me stop and think. I have a whole laundry list of things I thought my parents could have or should have done better. But, if I think about it, isn’t that true of them as well? They were doing the best they could. Sometimes they were probably only just surviving, with nothing left over for their kids. Sometimes they were just ignorant of what I wanted or needed. But they weren’t malicious—it’s not like they woke up and thought “I wonder how we can hurt one of our children deeply today.”
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Somehow these thoughts morphed into musings about what my children will think about the job I did as their mother, when they see it through their grownup eyes. Will they only see my weaknesses and shortcomings? Will they be entirely focused on the shortage of organized sports in their lives, or the fact that the house was never all clean at the same time? What thing that I’m not even aware of now will my children will vow they will never do to their kids?
Eventually I hope that they can see that I was really trying my hardest. That sometimes my hardest wasn’t very great, but that it was still all I was capable of. I hope they can see how much I loved them, and that when I made choices it was to provide the things that I thought were the most important. And hopefully one day they’ll forgive me for not being perfect…
I was chatting with Cindy Lynn on the phone yesterday, telling her about something that had happened that bothered me.
I get it, she said, You don’t want to be incommoding anyone.
Uh, what? I replied, I didn’t say anything about any commode.
She laughed and said, I thought incommode meant something like inconvenience.
I think you have the wrong word, I told her.
And then, just because my computer was near I googled the word incommoded.
incommoded
past participle, past tense of in·com·mode
Verb: Inconvenience (someone).
Oops!
Well, as my grandfather, an old country farmer would say,
It’s a poor stock that doesn’t better itself.
Clearly Russ & I are good stock.
Noun:
The word commode comes from the French word for "convenient"…
Learn something every day, don’t you!
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