Sleepless Thoughts on Leaving and Trusting

I woke early Saturday morning.  It was ironic, since I almost never wake early and Russ had been worried that he would.  I lay in bed, listening to the rain in the dark and telling my brain to go back to sleep.

Instead, it started running the millions of possible scenarios in our future, leaving me teary and feeling both helpless and hopeless. 

It is one thing to sit in a class at church and talk about Lehi’s family leaving Jerusalem, or the pioneers travelling across the country with only 17 pounds allowed per person.  We can sympathize with their experience and talk about the need to have faith and trust in what the Lord has said.  We shake our heads about Laman and Lemuel and their stiff-necked stubbornness, asking why they would murmur about leaving their comfortable life in Jerusalem.  We can even hypothesize what 17 pounds of belongings we would take if we were pioneers and called upon to leave our homes.

The reality of it, even an abstract and unknown reality like the one we’re facing, is an entirely different animal.  Laying there in the dark I was distressed to think of leaving this home that we’ve come to love so much.  Of having to leave my big bathtub, my beautiful neighborhood, all of the space that we have.  The thought of having to leave my friends, our friends, can bring me to tears at any moment.  We have lived in this place for 16 years, and in this house for 10.  This is the longest I have been anywhere in my entire life, and I have put down deep roots.

 

Neal Maxwell said,

“The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar. The many other things we 'give' are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us.”

Yes, this is really what we’re aiming for.  But in the nitty gritty of it, the idea of actually letting go of what I want feels almost impossible.  The idea that all of the things we have loved about our life for the last decade might be lost forever is almost unbearable.

I once knew a family in a similar situation that lasted many months. As I watched these people go through their unemployment experience I confidently told Russ that I would do it this way, and I would feel that way, and I would let go of the things I was holding on to so much more easily.  How ironic that I am going to get my own chance to live this experience and see if I really can live up to those lofty ideals.

 

In the end, of course, we will do what we have to.   But I can see the truth of Elder Maxwell’s words as never before.  That true spiritual success will come not merely when we are obedient, but when we are able to submit our will—our desires, our comforts, our preferences--to the will of God. 

I do not think it will be easy.