This summer someone asked me the a question—something like why my kids didn’t play soccer, or why they didn’t play sports.
This assumption isn’t exactly accurate. Cindy Lynn played soccer. (Or stood around on a soccer field looking cute, anyway.) Jason and Josh both played soccer and baseball. All of my kids have been on the swim team for many years.
What is accurate is that my little kids don’t play soccer, or do any sports other than swim team. I’m sure my friend had no idea the amount of soul searching that has gone into that exact topic. Rachel and Jared told me that they wanted to play soccer a few years ago. It was really a bad year for us to spend almost $200 on signing up for a soccer team, and we were going to be out of town during the registration period. So I asked them,
“What does playing soccer mean to you? Why do you want to do it?”
and they responded,
“Having fun! Meeting new people! Getting treats!”
So then I told them they wouldn’t be playing soccer, but that I would try hard to be sure that they met new people, got to play more, and had plenty of treats. And my plan has been relatively successful.
This is a real issue for me. If my kids were to play soccer on the league that operates near us, they would have practices on multiple weeknights and Sunday as well. If there were to play on one of the leagues in Durham every practice would involve almost an hour of driving, and there would go our family dinners & evening time together. Additionally, one of the things I know about myself is that too much driving around & being busy really saps the life out of me. It doesn’t take too much before I feel like there isn’t anything good left in me to give to my family. No listening mom, no homemade dinners, no reading together or playing games. Just grouchy tired me. So Russ & I have deliberately made choices that help me be the mom that I want to be.
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The other day one of my friends said something interesting. She said “I think I can finally see that my parents were trying their best. Sure, they did a lousy job at a lot of things. But they were doing the best they knew how, and they certainly weren’t trying to hurt me.”
It really made me stop and think. I have a whole laundry list of things I thought my parents could have or should have done better. But, if I think about it, isn’t that true of them as well? They were doing the best they could. Sometimes they were probably only just surviving, with nothing left over for their kids. Sometimes they were just ignorant of what I wanted or needed. But they weren’t malicious—it’s not like they woke up and thought “I wonder how we can hurt one of our children deeply today.”
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Somehow these thoughts morphed into musings about what my children will think about the job I did as their mother, when they see it through their grownup eyes. Will they only see my weaknesses and shortcomings? Will they be entirely focused on the shortage of organized sports in their lives, or the fact that the house was never all clean at the same time? What thing that I’m not even aware of now will my children will vow they will never do to their kids?
Eventually I hope that they can see that I was really trying my hardest. That sometimes my hardest wasn’t very great, but that it was still all I was capable of. I hope they can see how much I loved them, and that when I made choices it was to provide the things that I thought were the most important. And hopefully one day they’ll forgive me for not being perfect…
I don't think karma is going to be kind to me in that regard;). But THANK YOU for writing about your soccer decision. It is SO hard for me to make those choices, I always planned for my kids to have one activity each, but the activity I want Eric to do isn't the one he would pick if forced to choose, to I let him have two. Also, I never thought I would have four whole kids! Even if they each have one activity, that's a lot!
ReplyDeleteI, for one, think you are an AWESOME mom. And I also really appreciate that you parent(ed) the way you did/do. I think that having a sane mom and family dinners/family time was worth way more than a million soccer matches!
ReplyDeleteI always think ... how many family beach trips would you give up to play soccer? The answer is always the same :)
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