Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Highs & Lows of Motherhood

Two stories; both from earlier this week.

A certain one of my younger children has developed the distressing (to me) habit of arguing with almost every single thing I say to her. If I tell her to do something she wants to do, she raises no objection. Any other request is met with an emotional argument from her.

Last week, after I realized that she was never responding obediently to anything I asked, she & I had a talk. She promised less arguing and more obedience. Instead the problem has escalated.

Fortunately for me, I've lived through this once before with my wonderful oldest daughter. When it happened with her (much younger) I was alarmed and baffled. What had happened? Why was my previously precious child arguing with almost every word out of my mouth? What, if anything, should I do about it?

This time it was much easier to come up with a plan. I informed the child that because she has lost the ability to be instantly obedient, we are going to retrain her. For the next week, she is not allowed to argue with anything I say to her. Any response other than obedience will result in her having a time out in the corner.

Ready, set, go.

She was devastated the first time it happened. Silently crying in the corner the whole five minutes. This is a child who is tender and loving, and since she got over biting everyone in sight, rarely needs to be disciplined. When it was over, I held her and hugged her and reminded her that we're helping her brain learn to be obedient to me, which is what Heavenly Father wants.

It sure made my heart sad...


~~~~

Later that same day I picked Josh up from school, knowing that he and I were going to have a stressful conversation.

Our family "deal" for EFY (a 1 week youth retreat for the teenagers) is that we pay for the first year, and after that we will pay 50%. I'm a firm believer that anything you pay for you care more about, and I'm also not made out of money. Last year and this year we will have 2 kids attending EFY and that adds up fast. So anyway, Josh has known for at least a year that we would expect him to earn/save $200 for his contribution to this year's EFY.

We are pretty flexible about it--we're not demanding a certain amount of money by a certain time, or anything like that. I have been concerned over the last few months that he has not been willing to save any money, nor has he been interested at all in working to earn any money.

Russ and I had a conversation about it, trying to figure out what to do. On the one hand, we really really want our kids to have the EFY experience. It's such a huge dose of fun and spirituality packed into one week, and we have seen it impact our other kids' testimonies in really meaningful ways. On the other hand, we want him to learn some financial responsibility. But we were both quite sure that if it came down to it, Josh would choose to skip EFY rather than have to work to earn the money.

It was at this point that inspiration (and it must have been that) struck. I had commented to Russ that the two things Josh is desperate for are his cell phone and his nice clothes. It occurred to me that we could use the money that would have been budgeted in the summer to buy school clothes to pay his share of EFY, and turn the responsibility for buying school clothes over to him. We know he won't go naked; he has plenty of clothes to cover his body already. We also know that he will be far more motivated to work to buy clothes than to go to EFY. I picked him up from school, ready to present this plan.

He was, as expected, not happy with the plan. He got angry, accusing me of not caring if he has nothing to wear, etc. I had known he would be angry and so I tried to stay calm. Eventually he got quiet and I talked on the phone for a while.

The phone call had to do with my friend Katie's ongoing illness. After I got off, I asked him — just out of curiousity — how he would feel if I was as sick as Katie has been. He said that he wouldn't like it very much. I said, "really, you would be upset even though you don't like me very much?"

And then he responded,
"I don't like the things you do, Mom.
That doesn't mean I don't like you."
Words to warm a mother's heart...

3 comments:

  1. Love the corner thing. I was ready to read that you were gonna start standing Josh in the corner. I still do it to my big kids once in a while. Also, the EFY thing - yes, pure inspiration. LOVE IT!!!!! And I am so glad that he likes you. What a relief!

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  2. I love that you are sharing your parenting wisdom. I love how you explained it to your daughter about retraining her brain to be obedient. And I love the new plan for encouraging fiscal responsibility. Thanks for sharing! =)

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  3. Cute kids and your approach to them is genius AND inspired. I can learn a lot from you Cindy Ray!

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