Praise: How To (and How Not To)

Several years ago an article was published that shook the parenting world to it’s foundations.  It said that praising our children was bad.  How could this be, we wondered.  We had accepted as fact the theories that started in the seventies that said that praise would give children better self esteem, which would help them succeed in life more.  (I still remember my younger sister’s first grade curriculum “Super Me, Super You.  No phonics, just self esteem…)

I remember talking with friends about this article.  If we weren’t supposed to praise our children, what were we supposed to say to them?  Were some types of praise ok while others were not?  Did every child really need a trophy at the end of swim season???

 

Several week ago I finished a great parenting book.  It was called “Between Parent and Child,” and I wish I’d read it several children ago.  It was easy to read, matter of fact, and went right along with the ideas I’m already working towards in my parenting.  One of the things I’ve been trying to implement with my kids is empathetic listening.  When they say something I try to really hear them, and show that with my response.  Some examples:

"My teacher is such a jerk.”  I used to say something like “Well maybe your teacher was having a bad day,” or “I’m sure he’s not that bad.”  Now I say “You sound really frustrated,” or “Sounds like you had a hard day.”

“I wish I had enough money to buy that toy like my friend has.”  I used to moralize about how we have everything we need, or that being frugal was important.  Now I try to fantasize with them.  I say something like “I know!  I wish you had enough money too, that would be so cool!” 

All of this real listening seems to help diffuse the feelings my kids are having; they can tell that I have heard them and typically they are satisfied by our conversation.  And that makes me happy.

 

I was also pleased when there was a paragraph on effective praise at the end of the book.  Finally—some guidance beyond “don’t praise!”  Here is what it said:

In praising, when you want to tell your children what you appreciate about them or their effort, describe the specific acts.  Do not evaluate character traits.  This recognition of what your child has done allows them to make their own inferences about what it all means. 

The author goes on to say that the things that our children conclude about themselves are much more meaningful to them than the things that we tell them about themselves. 

 

This is definitely going to take some work for me, but I’m excited to at least have some idea about what I’m supposed to be doing!