Mourning with the Amish

 

One of the things that really stuck with me when I read this book was the description of how the Amish mourn.

I can still remember the sense of unreality after my mother died.  A day or two before the funeral we had to go into town for something.  I felt almost dazed; shocked that there was so much traffic, that so many people were going on with their lives despite the fact that my mother had died. 

It was also evident that for everyone outside of our immediate family life pretty much returned to normal as soon as the funeral was done.  Not that people weren’t kind—they were very kind.  But life does go on.  I’ve felt the same thing when my friends’ parents have died—I feel grief for them, I mourn with them, but then I have to fold some more laundry and feed my family.  Having experienced a significant loss myself I always feel guilty that I am so easily able to slip back into my life knowing that my friend still mourns.

 

In the book Amish Grace the author described something that was fascinating to me.  Amish traditions provide much more structure, space, and time for grief than typical American traditions do. 

The first ritual of mourning is visiting.  In one settlement, grieving families have visitors every evening for the first 2-3 weeks, followed by a year’s worth of Sunday afternoon visits.

The second ritual that facilitates the Amish grieving process is dress.  Women wear black in public or at social gatherings when they’re in mourning.  The length of time they wear the black is dictated by their relationship to the deceased; from six weeks for the death of a cousin to an entire year for a child, sibling, or spouse.  This ritual reminds others in the community of the death so that they can respond with appropraite care for the bereaved.

Another grieving ritual involves writing memorial poetry to express their gratitude for the person’s life and to express their sorrow at their death.  The poems may be published in Amish papers and also printed on card stock and distributed to family and friends as well. 

The last ritual of grieving involves “circle letters.”  Amish people from different states who share a common experience (having multipes, open heart surgery, death, etc) contribute to a letter that is mailed from family to family.  The writers in the circle often keep in contact for many years.  (This reminded me of my triplet support group on the internet, which was invaluable for many years!)

 

It kind of makes me wish that we hadn’t gotten rid of so many of the traditions of mourning in the United States.  When you’re going through such a stressful experience those acts of kindness from other people mean such a lot.  I envy the Amish customs that help them support each other better through these times…

To Err is Human; to Forgive, Divine

 

I often find myself reading a book without any clear recollection of where on earth the recommendation came from to read this particular book.  This is definitely the case with the book “Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy.”

I thought the whole book would be about the shooting of the Amish schoolchildren, but it wasn’t.  The first part was about the Amish response to the tragedy, and the second part explored what in their lives/culture/history/doctrine would have prepared them to respond to this event with forgiveness.  The third part of the book was about forgiveness in general--what it means to all of us.  This part of the book was fascinating to me.  Forgiveness is something we talk a lot about without ever really defining anything, and I loved what this book said and the greater understanding it gave me.

 

When the Amish people were asked how they could have forgiven the man who killed their children, they all answered that their understanding was that if they wanted God to forgive them, they must first forgive others.  It was clear that this was not a one time belief, but a way that they all try to live their lives.  It was so interesting to realize that while we believe that we are supposed to forgive in order to be forgiven, we aren’t nearly this careful in an ongoing way to be forgiving. 

 

Forgiveness, the authors said, is a concept that everyone understands—until they’re asked to define it.  One author defines forgiveness this way:

When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love.

He goes on to explain that in order for forgiveness to occur the offense must be taken seriously, the victims have a right to moral anger, and that in order for forgiveness to take place victims must be willing to “give up” their right to anger and resentment.  He finishes by saying that forgiveness is a gift to the offender, who may not necessarily deserve it.

I also found it interesting to read about what forgiveness does not mean: it is not forgetting what happened, condoning it or excusing it.  Forgiveness means admitting what was done wrong and should not be repeated.  Forgiveness is also not reconciliation, or the restoring of a relationship.  Reconciliation requires a renewal of trust, and sometimes that is not possible. 

There are different motivations for forgiveness: both theological and psychological reasons.  The theological motivation to forgive stems from the Christian belief that people should forgive others because God forgave them, and so that God will continue forgiving them.  The pychological motivations for forgiveness include a desire for emotional healing.  Research shows that when a person forgives it reduces anger, depression, anxiety and fear. 

 

I’m hoping that I can take these ideas to heart.  I certainly have a better understanding of what forgiveness really is than what I did before, and what both the spiritual and psychological reasons for forgiving are.  Which is much more than I anticipated when I started reading the book!

 

PS—Do you know why the Amish don’t drive cars, or have electricity or telephones in their homes?  It’s all about what would change their lives and take them away from their families.  So cars would make it too easy for them to spend time away from their families.  And when they do have telephones, the phones live in a small shack outside of their house, or in the barn.  So that it won’t interrupt family time.

Just thought that was interesting…

Ahh…the Irony!

For as long as it has mattered I’ve had ambivalent feelings about the Pinewood Derby.  For some parents the derby is an exciting time, a time of creation and anticipation and excitement. 

For me it’s just stress.

The stress of worrying that my son won’t win enough—I don’t want him to be disappointed. 

But at the same time,

The stress of worrying that he might win too much—I don’t want to have to go to the district Pinewood Derby!

 

I worried about this when Jason was in cub scouts.  On year his car didn’t win any races at all.  He was such a trooper, and my heart broke for him.  After that I read tips online about how to make faster cars and passed them along to Russ.  The most important of these was to sand the wheels and axels carefully so that there would be less friction.

I worried about this again when Josh was in cub scouts.  Fortunately he always won enough races, but never too many.

This was our last Pinewood Derby.  Jared’s third year.  With Jared each year I’ve had the same worries, but so far he’s won enough and not too much. 

A couple of weeks ago was our ward derby.  It was a good night.  Jared won plenty of races and he and the girls were excited.  I had a meeting at the same time as the derby, so I left as soon as the races were over.

 

I got home late so it was the next day before I heard Jared’s “good” news.  He placed 2nd in the derby and got to go to the district finals! 

 

I was laughing with Russ about it later.  Here we were, at our 9th derby.  We’d escaped the district finals 8 times before.  And now, the last time, we had to go to the finals.  Not even we, because Russ would be in Utah on the day of the district finals. It would be just me, getting to spend hours with a mob of cub scouts at the mall on a Saturday.  Not one of my favorite scenarios.

 

And then Russ delivered the kicker.  He said that he was surprised that Jared’s car had done so well…  Want to know why?  He forgot to sand the axels!

 

Ah well…I suppose it was just a cruel twist of fate.  ;) 

 

So today was the big day.  Jared and I got to the mall at 11:45—the very last possible moment to sign in.  He was a little traumatized that his car was longer than regulation and they had to sand down the nose of it about 1/4 inch.  Then we had an hour and a half to wait before the races started, so we ran some errands.  I got a new pair of scissors (everyone denies it, but someone has done something BAD with my good scissors.) and a new freezer.  (Thanks Katie for the tip that appliances go on sale in February—you were right!)  And then it was time for the bit moment.  Jared was pretty excited.

(I hope you appreciate the fact that I was able to get the semi-pornographic ad poster from Macy’s in the shot too.  This one won’t be in my blog book.)

Each scout’s car raced four times—once on each lane.  Jared had a great showing—he came in 2nd three times and 1st once.  Pretty good for the car with the unpolished axels!  He would have loved one of the huge trophies they were giving out, but I think he was still pretty happy.

By the time the racing was done I thought my back was going to break from standing on the hard floor for so long.  I finally just sat down on the ground while they gave out the awards.  Fortunately my car was well stocked with ibuprofen and by the time we got home I was tired but ok.  And happy that my boy was happy.  And not particularly sad that this was our last Pinewood Derby!

 

 

Here are some of the other amazing cars that won as most original in their packs.

the blades on the “pocket knife” car (beside the flag) actually opened!

the pocket-knife car and the catapult car both won trophies.

 

And this one was my fave.

With Russ Gone

When Russ told me that he needed to go on a business trip to California this week I was sad.  I knew that I’d miss him, that the kids would miss him, and that I would miss his help around our home.  But in a little corner of my mind I thought,

“With Russ gone for the week I’ll get so much done!  I’ll be able to blog and sew as much as I want without feeling guilty!”

The reality of the week could not be more different.  With Russ gone I got up at 5:15 every morning to take Josh 10 minutes down the road to catch a ride to seminary.  With Russ gone I couldn’t check out on the children as soon as dinner was over—someone needed to pay enough attention to them to be sure they got to bed.  With Russ gone I did all of the shopping, took the boys to scouts, and stayed way too late at my presidency meeting.  (Still getting up at 5:15, mind you!) 

With Russ gone my brain has turned into jello earlier and earlier every night.  Creative blogging?  Not a possibility!  Sewing?  I think not.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll blog.  But with Russ gone, I get to spend hours at the mall with Jared.  (More about that later, I promise.)

 

It’s a good thing he’ll be home soon.  Because with Russ gone, my life just isn’t as good!

Morning Visitors

It really is no wonder that these are our state birds, is it!

I love them all of the time, but in the winter that flash of color is so much more beautiful!

 

On the Wing

This morning I noticed that it was rush hour at the bird feeder.

There were so many take-offs and landings that I grabbed the camera to see if I could get any interesting pictures.

Here was something I did not expect to see.

 

Our friend the woodpecker.  Notice the apprehension of the other birds?  Fortunately for them he looked much less impressive once he had folded his wings.

After he left I thought nothing else interesting would happen.  And then I happened to get a shot of these goldfinches.

 

Kind of amazing!

A Bad Combination

It seems to be a sad truth that sometimes this

 

Combined with this

Leads to this.

 

I know it’s all part of the circle of life, but I don’t like the circle of life playing out just outside my garage door!

 

 

 

PS—Tiger is *not* catching birds from the feeders—she’s catching birds that are on the ground and in the bushes.  But it still makes me sad!