For a number of reasons the last few months have been hard on my testimony--not so much of the gospel, but of the church. I have felt fatigued in my mind and in my heart and haven't been able to find the peace that I have wanted. I have prayed for help with this frequently.
When we drove to Utah several weeks ago we did part of the drive at night so that the girls would miss one less color guard practice. I knew that it would be harder that way but I was unprepared for how wiped out I was for days afterward. That plus the 1 hour time difference made me decide that the kids and I would find a late sacrament meeting to go to that Sunday instead of going with Cindy Lynn. When we all woke up (not until 10:30!) I started looking for a ward to go to.
It was surprisingly hard. Although there are many church buildings close to Cindy Lynn's house, all of them had sacrament meeting at 9 or 11. Finally I found a building with 1pm sacrament meeting and we were off.
We walked in right as the opening song was being sung and sat down in the front row of the hard chairs in the gym. This is what happened: The chairs were uncomfortable. The children were noisy. The organist was mediocre. The testimonies were for the most part uninspiring. And I walked out changed and renewed.
In the most unexpected way, my prayers were answered that day. Not because of reverence or spiritually uplifting music or testimonies. But because of what I saw and how it touched my heart. I saw a chapel full of white shirted men and boys. I saw a chapel full of moms and dads trying to entertain busy little people. As I sat and watched that day I saw a chapel full of people trying to do better and to be better. In that hour my heart was filled with gladness--not just for the gospel of Jesus Christ, but also for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and it's members. Imperfect people trying so hard.
I realize now that the experiences I'd had had distorted my feelings and vision. But the beauty of the goodness and effort that I saw that day was like a healing balm to my heart.
Thank goodness we slept in that morning.
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Church is so difficult for me right now. Mostly it's because of timothy who would literally rather lick toilets than sit still for an hour long sacrament meeting. Then add my slight introversion coupled with the newness of the people and I'm feeling quite like I'd rather just stay home. But of course, in my deep heart I know that that's not the answer. Brian is out of town this weekend, so reading this just now before I brace the Sunday alone was just what I needed!
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