Spin

Sometimes I’m doing ok…but that’s probably because I’m asleep, or because I’m too busy (probably using my awesome nail gun) to think much.  A lot of the time I feel like I am on the verge of tears.  Thinking about the reality, the fact that four weeks from tomorrow the moving van will load up—that’s rough.  The calendar is filling up with all of the things that we need & want to squeeze in before we leave.  And every time I think about leaving, about really and truly leaving, well then I do cry.

Quite often I realize that I’m still…well not quite mad at God—but almost.  I have been frustrated with my lack of ability to move past this feeling like He has caused this all, that His plan is the source of my unhappiness.  The thing is, I do feel like He caused it, and that it certainly is His plan.  But I want to feel that way with gratitude, with awe that He has a hand in our lives, that He is directing our paths this carefully.  Not with anger.

Tonight while I was driving to my last presidency meeting (more tears) I had a thought.  And that thought was that I was feeling entitled.

Entitled to live in the place I love.
Entitled to live in the home I love.
Entitled to live with the people I love.
Entitled to live near the ocean I love.
Entitled to have what I want, where I want it, essentially.

I realized as I was thinking about it how wrong all of those thoughts are.  God gave us this house.  He gave us the job that Russ had up until October.  I say “God gave us xyz” about many things in a generic sense, but that is not what I mean in these instances.  I mean He literally and specifically provided these things for us, in a way that was unmistakable—divine signatures.  As far as that goes, He must have brought us to Durham in the first place.  What are the odds that a head hunter from North Carolina would call a kid in Idaho to see if he wanted a job?  How many hundreds of people in the United States could have fit the requirements for that job, and yet the head hunter called Russ.  His boss never interviewed anyone else for the job—just Russ.  So yes, North Carolina too has been a gift from God.

And when I reframe it that way, I am again brought to tears.  But this time tears of gratitude.  And humility, that the Lord is so good to me when I am so stupid and stubborn.  But mostly gratitude, that we have been blessed by living here more than I can possibly express. 

When I had this realization earlier, the scripture came to mind:

…I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come… Mosiah 4:11

 

I think I will have to remain watchful.  It’s way too easy to spin to the dark side on this—the side where I feel entitled to live my life the way I want to.  The side where I feel irritated with God for messing up my comfortable life. 

I hope I can remember this moment, and this understanding.  That instead I can spin this my interpretation of this situation towards truths; the truths that God has given us everything that we have, that He loves us more than we understand, that His plan is what we truly want, and that we would be lost without Him.