I have a pet peeve—something that I hear from time to time from different people that just sets my teeth on edge. Today I read a similar comment on a random blog and so now I am going to say my piece.
Last year a young mother was telling me about her friend. “She has three children, and she got married when she was really young and had her kids fast and [I could tell by her voice that this was going to be the good part] her kids will be leave home by the time she’s 43!!!
I didn’t launch into my rant at that point, though I sure could have. Because this is my rant: At what point did we, as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who theoretically believe that "families are ordained of God,” buy into the worldly philosophy that our lives will be better when our kids leave home? Because this is surely what I am hearing, over and over again.
Don’t get me wrong. When I had 2 year old triplets I was certain that my life would be better when everyone slept through the night, when everyone both pottied and wiped on their own, and when we could all communicate in a rational manner. But even then I knew that there was no connection between that moment of young-mommy stress and my children growing up and leaving home.
And what magical thing is supposed to happen once the children are all out of the house by the time you’re 43? Life still goes on. Bills still need to be paid. For most of us, one or both will still have to be working full time. How is that either so different or so amazing? It’s not like life is going to turn into a beach vacation the moment the kids are out of the home. (Because you know I’d be all over that!)
Cindy Lynn points out that there’s a real double standard in our LDS culture. People are very judgmental and critical towards couples who wait a long time to have kids. But for some reason it’s ok to have all of your kids early/fast, and then spend the next twenty years rejoicing about how soon you’ll be empty nesters.
So here’s my suggestion. (Since it’s late at night and I am pretending for the moment to have at least some of the answers.) Enjoy the moment you are in NOW. Enjoy your life with your kids, whatever age they are. And then get a babysitter and go out for the night and enjoy your spouse WITHOUT the kids. And once a year or so, get a babysitter (or trade if you can’t afford the babysitter, or beg if you have to) and go away with said spouse for two or three or seven days. Be together. Hug and kiss a lot. Have several complete conversations.
And then go back to your kids, and enjoy your time with them. I am here to tell you that I am almost 45, I have had two children get old enough to leave home, and it’s not all that great when they leave. I love the stage we’re in but I’m not so happy when I look ahead and see how few years I have left with these remaining kids. Because (in theory, anyway) these are people that you love and care for—people that you enjoy spending time with. It stinks when they’re far away and you only get to see them a couple of times a year. And when they really do leave, you find you’re missing some of your very best friends.
(If I have offended, please forgive me. My intent was not to offend, but to present
an alternate opinion to one that I’m hearing from many different places.)
Well said. I had my first "set" early. We were always told we would be young enough to enjoy life. Now we have our second "set" and they will be here well into our later years. When I had them people said "why would you start over?" I love having my family. Even when I complain about the insanity. I told Mickie one day when she was talking about leaving,that that is the cycle. She is supposed to leave. I will miss her though. I try not to think about what I will do when they are all gone. I like the stage we are in now. Even if I would like to come up for air. I think some of it comes with age. When I was younger it was harder to appreciate and understand how much I would miss them being little and going nuts. Now I know and I cherish it all.. even KK and her giving me gray hair.
ReplyDeleteWow.... Josh's face in that picture was PRICELESS.
ReplyDeleteDon't people know that when their children leave the nest, they'll have more to worry about? My mother used to say she wished we were all still at home (and she had 10 kids!) I worry more about mine who are off on their own. Besides all that, age brings its own share of problems.
ReplyDeleteOh Cindy, I so, so agree. I was having a conversation not too long ago about this very thing - - - I went through a sort of 'crisis' when I realized that I am still very young, yet I'm not sure how many more kids I can comfortably handle...one? maybe two? I fell into the 'early empty nester dream' for many years and just recently have realized that... I don't want that. And because of that my new life plan (that never actually plays out the way I see it, so we'll see) is to wait a few more years and then have another little batch. Thank you for voicing your thoughts -
ReplyDeleteI don't think anything magical will happen after mine are gone :(
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